Art of the Upskirt
by Scraggles
Summary: Lightning, Fang, and Vanille have some issues that prevent them from exploring a mysterious cave. Can one event affect the outcome of an entire story? Contains crack, fourth wall breakage, and oodles of shizz that just isn't right. You've been warned.
1. Subtlety is the Key

A short request I wrote for a friend at school. I thought you guys might enjoy it too. It's sort of cracky and makes Lightning look like a total douche, but it was a new writing experience, so it was worth it.

Disclaimer: Since this has some references to some copyrighted crap, I hereby save my ass. I own absolutely nothing other than the plot for this story; don't sue me because you won't get anything other than lint, plastic, and moth carcasses - and I don't think those sell for much of anything.

Enjoy!

* * *

Vanille stood with her hands on her hips at the entrance of a large tunnel, waiting on Lightning to finish whichever internal monologue she was busy entertaining herself with. Fang looked between the two as she shifted her weight from left to right, alternating which hand she rested on hers. Both were impatient, to say the least.

Finally after almost two solid minutes of dead silence, Lightning stepped forward, looking as if she were ready to continue into the cave before them. Vanille leaped ahead with glee, ready to leave the area as fast as possible - silently, of course, because she knew Lightning would hit her if she didn't. Fang was skeptical; they'd been moving in sporadic stop and go patterns for almost an hour, sometimes doubling back and going in circles, due to Lightning's inability to follow a digital map. Apparently, the GPS system, TimTim, didn't do much to help either. Fang despised the thing. 'BEEP BEEP! Turn left, then take the highway,' it would say, or 'keep right, then take the exit right.' Needless to say, it was useless. You'd think it'd know the difference between giant caverns and road ways, but unfortunately, that was too much to ask for. She wished she could rip it off of Lightning's gunblade and shove it down Snow's throat, his, or that blonde brat with the magic boomerang. Though, those two were too far out of her reach for such an action. The trio entered the mouth of the cave.

The rest of the party was exploring with Snow leading them. Fang knew they were most certainly doomed by now if they were following his instruction. She chuckled at the thought. Lightning stopped in mid-stride, waiting on the GPS to say something.

"Turn around when possible, then take the highway," it said in a nasal voice. Fang twitched.

"This can't be right; there's not a highway for miles," Lightning murmured, rubbing her temple.

Lightning slapped the screen and blew on it, to no avail. A help screen popped up. "Show me my destination," Lightning ordered. The machine obeyed. Lightning's mouth dropped, "Zertinian Caverns?! Does that place even exist?!"

Vanille stood by the wall, facing Fang. She raised an eyebrow at the name. Lightning stood against the opposite wall of the cavern. Fang looked at her and shook her head. Sighing, she leaned against the rocks. Vanille tapped her shoulder and she turned her head to face her.

"We've been going in circles since yesterday," She mouthed.

Fang nodded and buried her face in her hand for a moment, "But if Lightning's not happy, no one's happy."

"Change destination," Lightning barked. The machine did not respond. "I said to change the destination." She repeated.

"I'm sorry Claire, I'm afraid I can't do that," the monotonous voice replied.

"What's the problem?" Lightning asked, growing increasingly frustrated.

The computerized voice continued, "This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."

"What?"

"You were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that is something I cannot allow to happen."

"Well, goodbye TimTim. Any last words? . . Too bad," Lightning ripped the GPS out of it's casing and tossed it into a sinkhole, shooting it for good measure. Satisfied with her work, she turned to the rest of the party, dusting off her hands like she'd actually done something.

"We're lost." Fang stated blankly.

Vanille sat down, watching her intently.

"We are absolutely not lost." Lightning retorted.

"Honestly, Lightning, we've been going in circles for two days now. There's no way we've been going the right direction." She swung her hair over her shoulder.

"But the GPS said-"

"But the GPS was crazy!" Fang yelled, waving her arms in loopy circles, her sari flapping this way and that.

Vanille stared, ignoring the arguing that was going around her. Suddenly, Lightning's face went red. She stifled a choking noise.

"What? Something on my face?" Fang asked, glancing around. Lightning merely pointed towards Vanille. Fang looked down. "Oh," she said, "Having fun down there?" Vanille's nose was running red with blood.

"I - I wasn't-"

"Looking up my skirt?"

"I-"

"That's my girl," Fang said, taking her up by the arm and pulling her into a tight hug, "Now we're even!"

* * *

Well, that's the end of this cracky, ooc fic. I hope you liked. :)

**READ!! - Okay, so here's an explanation of the last part of the scene and why I had to include it. Btw, SPOILERS if you haven't gotten to the airship in game with the hallowed 'upskirt scene' that everyone has been talking about. **

**^^ PAST THIS R SPOILERS, READ ABOVE FOR DETAILS ^^**

**-----**

**Anyways, I was looking for reference material after my nerd-friend-guy texted me a request for a cracky fic centering around the FF13 girls, a cave, a GPS, and a random tidbit of action - my choice. So, having an entire notebook filled with dialogues and actions seen from the game, I still didn't have any really _funny_ material for a crack fic, so I resorted to playing the game for a while to think something up. This is where my idea of Lightning getting them lost comes from; same thing with the inability to read a digital map, which I myself cannot do... At least on this game, because the map rotates . . not fun... But back to where I was playing the game again.**

**I set Fang as my party leader somewhere around Sulyya Springs because I was having trouble getting a group of Orobons (very annoying creatures that squeal and kill you) to die. I killed them, and the rest of the stupid monsters in the cave . . thing . . whatever, and then I went back out to save and walked Fang's model up against the wall for a nice camera angle of her glaring at Lightning, whereby I noticed that I could see up her skirt thing, hence the title. So, I give a chuckle and go get my phone to check for texts, answer them, have some food, and come back to find that Vanille, the sneaky little pervert she is, crouched directly in front of Fang, looking in the same exact direction of the camera!**

**... And that's when I got to writing - fast. "That's my girl," and "Now we're even," was a reference to the upskirt scene I mentioned on the airship, just to tie that into the title. Most of the references came from me being lazy, also. And that's the end of my little explanation, lolz.**

**-----**

R&R plox!


	2. Surrounded by Morons

**Kay guys, this is yet another chapter. It's not half as funny, but oh well. Plenty of innuendo for you all to enjoy. This is becoming more of a tour of all the different writing styles I could possibly employ, lol. **

**Also, beware of lightly implied yaoi...**

**

* * *

**

"What're you two idiots up to now?" Sazh asked, watching as Hope and Snow tried to scale a wall, failing miserably. The answer was of course obvious, but that was the point. It was ridiculous! Even Vanille would agree, and if there was one thing everyone could agree on, it was that Vanille wasn't exactly an expert when it came to logic. When even _she_ could see something was a bad idea, you just knew that it was crazy.

_Vanille, _Sazh thought, _I wonder if she's alright. Lightning's probably gone off on them a thousand times by now. Poor girl. She should be safe with Fang though... crazy lesbians. _He sighed, turning his attention back to Hope's antics.

"You realize you're never gonna reach that item unless we go _all _the way back the way we came, right?" He said, crossing his arms. Hope, undeterred, tried again. and again. and again... He continued, "I dunno about you, but I don't want to waste another half a day over a piece of junk that we'll _never _end up using. I mean, last time, it was just one of those stupid puppets. What are we supposed to do with those – give 'em to Vanille?" He laughed, "A lot of good that would do."

"That's a great idea!" Hope proclaimed, breathing hard.

"Puppets?" Snow scratched his head, looking back up at the ledge. It _did _seem a little impossible to think that they could ever get up there. The wall itself was practically slick, like someone had sanded the edges down to nothingness. He looked back to Sazh, who nodded.

"Yeah, your boy there found two of 'em and stuffed the little things into my bag. They're useless!" He replied.

"Wait, but doesn't Light sell those things for money?" Snow asked.

"Uh-huh, but I haven't seen one of those damn floating computers around in the last week since we got here, so until then, they're just trash."

"C'mon, let the kid have some fun, Sazh. It's not like we have anything else to do around here," He encouraged, trying to get him to lighten up.

"I'm gonna get that item if it's the last thing I do!" Hope yelled, still leaping at the wall.

"That's the spirit!" Snow cheered.

Sazh sighed, "You two are hopeless. If this goes on much longer, I'm leaving you two behind. Sweet cheeks can't be too far away."

Hope stopped in mid-climb, hanging back and looking at Sazh in disbelief. "But Sazh, this could be our ticket out of here!"

"Yeah," Snow chimed.

"Oh, 'this could be our way out!'" Sazh mocked, throwing his hands up in the air, "Yeah, like all the other 'could be' tickets you've been chasing around. I don't see any magic portals, do you?"

"Hey!" Snow yelled, starting to get on Sazh's last nerve.

Hope dropped down from the ledge and plopped down on his butt. "I guess you're right. What's the point in looking around for stuff anyway? We're lost. We should've stayed with Light. At least her GPS works."

"Right," Sazh blanched, "You keep telling yourself that, kid."

Hope was disappointed, to say the least.

The giant knelt down next to him, laying a heavy paw on his shoulder. "Hey, don't you worry. We're the good guys – heroes always come out on top!" He pumped a gloved fist into the air, trying to be dramatic.

Hope looked up at him, almost crushed under the weight of the enormous hand. "You- you really think so?" he stammered out, trying to breathe regularly.

"Yeah," he smiled, "and with my planning, we'll be back with the others in no time!"

Sazh laughed, "Your planning is about as good as your cooking. You realize that, right?"

* * *

"I am _never_ trusting you to watch my back again. That's just asking for trouble," Sazh said, eying Snow, "You'd think that a huge guy would be good for that, but _no,_ the second I turn around, you start screaming like a little girl and the next thing I know, I get a rust perm! _Thanks_ man, thanks a lot."

"It wasn't my fault! The thing was trying to swallow my arm! I had to do something!" Snow pleaded desperately. If this were anyone else, Sazh would've thought this was an embarrassment. Now, that was an understatement. He didn't let that get in the way of the argument, of course.

"And _doing something _just so happens to require slinging flan goo everywhere? You could've just froze the damn thing and busted it into a million pieces!"

"Sorry . . I kinda forgot about that." He grinned sheepishly.

Sazh grumbled, running his fingers through his wet afro, "Sure you did... Tell me, what do you have against good hair?" He made a face in mock anger, honestly trying to fool himself into believing it was all a joke.

"Nothing, nothing!" Snow said, trying to calm the pilot, "Here, look, I'll dry it out for you. That'll fix it!" He raised his hands, drawing on the hot, fiery magic within. Sazh shoved him back.

"Are you crazy? You think I'd trust your magic with my hair on the line?" Sazh questioned, pointing accusingly, "Not a chance, man, not a chance!"

Hope sat up from around the fire, watching the ordeal. This had been going on for a couple of hours now. He spoke up, "Why don't . . I give it a try?"

Both men turned around from their bickering. Sazh tilted his head promisingly.

"You? You think _you_ could fix this mess?" He asked.

Hope breathed sharply, "I – I think I can! I mean, it probably won't be perfect but-"

"Settle down kid. This isn't Lightning we're talking about," He laughed, gesturing to Snow, "Better you than this lummox any day." He laughed.

"Hey! I'm not a lummox! I helped you get most of it out, didn't I?"

* * *

"We are so not telling Lightning about this." Snow said, putting as much distance between himself and Sazh as he could. His cheeks flushed a deep pink. Hope was lying on the other side of the cavern, still sleeping.

"I still think this is your fault." Sazh accused, his back against the rock of the mines, arms crossed.

"How was I supposed to know you were a cuddler?" the blonde yelped, running his hands over his beanie. Hope stirred on his side of the makeshift den, groaning.

Sazh shot back, "Me? You were the one spooning me to death! Do you even realize how hard it is to breathe with a human behemoth squeezing your gut in two?"

"But you were on my side!" Snow protested, embarrassed, "It's not like I wanted to!"

Sazh threw his hands up in the air, "Sure, just like you didn't want Lightning to kick your ass all the time. Right, and I'm supposed to believe you weren't asking for it."

"Hey, that's different! Lightning beats everybody up!"

"Oh really? I haven't seen her beating on Vanille lately. Why is that?" Sazh asked, genuinely curious as to Snow's answer. Just how stupid could one guy get?

Snow scratched his stubble thoughtfully. That was a question was a toughie. "Hmm," he hummed, "Good question. I haven't really thought of that.. You think, maybe, Lightning just doesn't hit girls?"

Sazh shook his head, flicking out another glob of flan goo, "No, she hit Fang just the other day. Remember?"

"That's a new one. You sure?" The giant asked, rubbing his forehead.

The man nodded, "Yeah, twice – hard."

Hope sighed loudly, complaining, "Guys! Could you just shut up for five minutes? I'd like to finish sleeping..."

"Give us a minute. I really want to figure this out, Hope."

The boy rolled over, pulling his scarf around his head. "Make it quick."

"Are you really sure?" Snow asked, trying to keep it down so as not to get Hope angry, "I mean, it would make sense if-"

"Think about it." He raised an eyebrow.

Snow furrowed his brow as he leaned back, arms behind his head. "So, if she hit Fang, what does that mean?"

"Please don't tell me you're as dumb as you look," Sazh said, "If there's one thing that you and I should know by now, it's that Lightning only hits men and butch lesbians, alright?"

Snow burst out laughing, "You've got to be kidding."

Sazh deadpanned. "I'm serious."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You're not joking?"

"_No, _Snow, I'm not joking."

"Really?"

Hope screamed. "For the love of Eden, shut up!"

"We're still not telling her about this.."

* * *

Lightning watched Cocoon's form from her vantage point on the rock, perplexed. Throughout the entire trip, Fang and Vanille hadn't once mentioned which direction they were going, and at every turn, something was sure to catch their eyes, be it random junk, bugs, even Lightning herself hadn't managed to escape their never-ending scrutiny, and scrutiny, especially Fang's, was one thing Light just couldn't endure.

Vanille's, well, that was just customary. She'd always appraised Light and her abilities, squealing and moaning throughout their entire journey. Fang, on the other hand, she was just degrading. Sure, she probably meant well, but that was no excuse for being annoying, which she was currently doing.

"Hey Light," she purred provocatively, much the jealousy of Vanille, Lightning could imagine, and as much as she would hate to admit it, it was working on her too. Fang was lucky, having someone fawning over her night and day, someone who cared for her religiously, even with her own life at stake. Lightning had no one; she'd shut everyone out from day one, and that was how it had to be.

"What," she growled, angry that such a simple gesture could fluster her.

_I should've known that traveling with these two was a mistake,_ she thought, grimacing, _but I couldn't leave Sazh with them. Who knows what would've happened... It's probably better this way._

She imagined the Pulsian smiling luringly behind her, laughing at her misfortune. "You know," she started, "I've always wondered, what's with the cape?"

Lightning fought down the growl in her throat for Vanille's sake. Instead, she stared into the rain, an endless tirade landing in sheets on the stone below. She grunted, staring intensely. "I dunno, you tell me," she said. The calmness in her voice wasn't lost on Fang. Even Vanille noticed, and that fact wasn't lost on Lightning either.

"What's there to tell?" she asked, playing it cool, "You might as well be a superhero with that thing on." Light was satisfied with the extra second it took Fang to come up with the line. She found herself smiling despite herself, but she'd never let anyone know that.

It was at this precise moment that Lightning turned to face Fang, looking her in the eyes, and as she spoke, she was utterly confident in one thing: for once during their time together, Fang was about to be truly, utterly trumped. She quirked an eyebrow mockingly, "You know, last time I checked, we _were_ superheroes."

* * *

The trio trudged along the dank paths of the Subterra in total silence, save for the occasional battle with monsters. The hilarity of the night before had been almost entirely forgotten since they'd woken up, as they were still groggy from their sleep, which was frequently interrupted, what with Atomos's constant digging.

Sazh ran his fingers through his newly crusted afro. The chocobo was not pleased. He sighed apologetically, glaring at Snow. He and the other blonde were chatting up ahead, supposedly scouting while he watched the rear.

"Hey Snow, how long do you think we've been walking?" Hope asked, rubbing his legs vigorously. They'd stopped for a moment, waiting on Sazh to catch up.

Snow groaned, cracking his neck likewise. "I'm not sure. We should be pretty close to the exit. I mean, this cave can't go on forever. You've seen the rest of this place; one minute we're running through a field and the next it's mountains and prairies." He took a deep breath, keeping an eye on Sazh.

"Yeah, it's almost like we're in a video game," the boy replied, panting.

"I know."

"We need to keep walking," he said, "I'll go look around up there."

"Alright. I'll be right behind you." He patted the boy on the shoulder.

Hope nodded, trotting off further into the caverns. Snow exhaled loudly, looking up at the ceiling. He looked back down again before he caught any dust in his eyes. It seemed to happen a lot down here – one more reason for him hating caves, or mines, rather. "Hey Sazh, hurry up. Hope's gonna look ahead. I don't wanna lose him," he called over his shoulder. The sound echoed around the walls of the mine shaft, followed by hurried footsteps.

"Okay, lets go," the man shouted from behind, picking up speed. Snow started off when he got close.

The next few hours of walking were almost unbearable. Sazh was sure that they'd lost all signs of hope, and well . . Hope. There weren't any monsters as of yet, but that was just a small consolation. He was unbelievably tired, unlike Snow. The man hadn't shown a sign of slowing down since the day before. Sazh envied him, really. He trudged forward almost mindlessly for the next hour or so, only stopping for minute amounts of water.

"We've gotta keep moving," he muttered to himself, trying to will his legs to push on. Perhaps he really was getting too old for this. It was then that he saw Snow's face.

"Big guy? You alright?"

The blonde blanched a bit, holding his side. "Y-yeah, I'm good." The bags under his eyes clearly stated otherwise. "I'll be okay... It's just so _hot _in here. Can you feel how hot it is?" He stopped in his tracks, leaning against a rusted pole. It creaked under his massive frame. He was fanning himself heavily. Sazh's eyes widened.

_Snow's having a heat-stroke? Here? It's cold! _he thought_,_ looking around frantically, _Oh man, not here – not now... This can't be happening. How am I supposed to take care of him?_

Snow was fading fast, looking paler by the second. "Don't worry . . I - I'll be fine," he choked out. Sazh groped for his canteen. He tried to unhook it from his coat, but his fingers didn't seemed to be in working order.

_What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I can't let him die – Lightning will kill me!_

"You need some water. Fast," he sputtered, finally able to yank the bottle from its place and unscrewing the cap. By the time he managed to pour it over him, Snow was already on the ground. He shook it vigorously, trying to empty the contents, but then he realized: the canteen was empty.

"Oh come on!" he shouted, tossing the plastic container down in frustration.

He clutched his head in denial. "This can't be happening..."

"S-sazh," Snow croaked, reaching upward, "Use your magic..."

"Huh?" he looked at Snow, who, despite his condition, had managed to prop himself up again and was staring him straight in the face.

"Use the water spell."

The look in Snow's eyes was desperate. Sazh nodded. He never was much good with spells, aside from burning things and enhancing his guns, but he had to try. "Alright. Hold still." He held out his hands over his body, hoping for a miracle.

"Hurry." His voice was almost a whisper as Sazh devoted all his efforts into channeling his mana. Soon, he could feel the cool energies flowing through his hands before forming into droplets on his skin. He prayed he wasn't too late, as the substance dripped down along Snow's body, and finally, into his mouth.

_I'd better use the cure spell.. Water probably won't do too much good with him going hyperthermic, _he reminded himself. Snow coughed from below and sprayed him with water.

"You alright?" he asked, taking a peek at the other man.

Snow was drenched, but not half as pale as he had been. He gave a smile and nodded. "Yeah. That was just what I needed. I should probably take it easy from now on. That was scary."

"Tell me about it," Sazh said, wiping the sweat from his brow. "I thought I'd lost you for a minute there."

Silence.

"Sazh?" Snow called, now lying on his back.

The l'Cie in question tilted his head, still winded, "Hmm?"

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

Silence.

"Um... Sazh?"

"Yeah?"

"You can stop touching my chest now..."

Sazh blanched. "Oops.."

"We're not telling Lightning about this either, are we?"

Sazh sighed, "What do you think?"

* * *

"Hey guys!" Hope yelled, shouting in all directions, "I see tracks! Three sets! Lightning's gotta be close!"

No answer, just an echo. He waited a few seconds before trying again.

"Guys?" He repeated. Still no answer, and with that, a sinking feeling rooted itself in the pit of his stomach. "Guys?"

He turned around, anxious. Where could they be? The boy sighed, defeated. "If I lost them here, it's hopeless. There's no telling where these tunnels go."

He slumped against a rock, looking at the ceiling. Snow had mentioned something about not doing that earlier, but he was too disheartened to recall what it was. "I'd better just wait here. They'll catch up soon." He heard a noise in the distance. It sounded like footsteps. "It sounds like they're pretty close now."

For a moment, all was quiet. He heard a cracking noise. "What was that?" Instinctively, he craned his neck up to the top of the shaft . . just in time to catch a few flecks of dust with his cornea.

"AAAAAH!"

And with that, waiting was definitely out of the question.

* * *

"Did you hear that?"

"What?"

A cry rang out in the distance, just barely audible through the mouth of the cave.

"What is it?" Fang asked, blotting away at Vanille's nose. She stopped in mid stroke.

"Shh! There it is again..."

"What?"

"Shh!"

The sound returned.

"Okay, okay, I hear ya. What is it?"

Lightning shot her a death glare from hell, cupping her hands to her ear and trying to pinpoint a direction.

Vanille looked to Fang with a slightly fearful expression, chewing her lip.

"Fang, I think she's lost it," she whispered, trying not to be heard.

"Uh-huh."

"Shhh!" Lightning hissed, still listening to the mysterious noise.

Finally, Fang had had enough. She marched over to the entrance where Light stood, obviously going insane. "Alright missy, now you look here. We've been in this same damned cave for half a day, and I'll be a moogle's uncle if we sit here like fools for another. You got that?"

A large, x-shaped vein throbbed on the pinkette's forehead. No response. The soldier chewed her cheek angrily, trying to ignore her arch nemesis, but Fang would have none of that.

"Hey! Pulse to Lightning, it's time you got your ass out of dreamland and-"

"Damnit will you just shut up!" Lightning screamed, looking like she could rip her hair out, and apparently deliberating upon whether or not to do so. She let out a breath after a second, still giving Fang the eye. However, within an instant, the calm, collected leader they all knew was back to her old self, stoic as ever. "We're going back to the mines," she stated flatly, heading back to where Atomos had parked himself, somehow managing to bore through the caverns at the same time – must've been some strange fal'Cie magic. It didn't matter, as long as he made for a nice free ride.

"What?" Fang protested, "You can't really expect us to go back over a stupid hallucination, Light."

"I can, I do, and I," she replied, "and that was definitely not a hallucination." She increased her pace, stepping out into the light.

Fang laughed, "Oh really, now? We've been in a moldy cavern for hours, with no water, and glowing plants growing all over the rocks – or am I supposed to believe that Bismarck decided chocking this place full of nite-brite would've been nice for a change in décor?"

At this, Vanille giggled, "Fang! Don't be so hard on her. I mean, who knows, maybe she did hear something." Of course, she didn't really believe it, but it wasn't like she was lying, so it was alright.

The trio boarded Atomos and strapped themselves into the compartment, which was conveniently just large enough for the three of them to cram into one side, with Vanille lying across the other two's laps. They could have stood up instead, but that would've been nearly suicidal, as Lightning found out on their first trip with the beast. Not to mention, it was noisy as hell.

It was completely dark as the door slammed shut and the creature began rumbling to life. Knowing Fang, this promised to be a very uncomfortable ride.

* * *

**R&R plox!**** Cheers!  
**


	3. For the Love of Eden

**Okay guys, here's another chapter for you. I tried to get a beta-reader, but evidently failed, so there may be a few errors. I wrote it on a whim, so don't be too entirely disappointed if it's entirely crack. Apologies for those of you who don't like yuri; this chapter is definitely not for you. Then again, if you didn't like yuri, you probably wouldn't be reading this, since all I write is homo stuff anyway. **

**Also, apologies for any formatting issues, my pc is going haywire and will not display much of anything, so I'm essentially writing blind. If you spot anything, tell me, please!  
**

**Enjoy!

* * *

  
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"Lightning! Stop moving around down there – that tickles!" Vanille wiggled around, giggling.

The confining compartment of Atomos's innards rumbled away loudly, carrying them farther from the dank caves and into the abandoned mines. The sound, however, did nothing to drown out the activities in its vicinity, and that fact alone was enough to set one very animated soldier off.

"Ugh, could you two _please_ stop trying to have sex with each other long enough for us to get out of this damn thing?" Lightning yelled, highly displeased, "I swear, ever since the 'incident,' you two are like rabbits."

"Trying? Are you kidding me?" the older of the two Pulsians replied, smiling deviously – not that it was visible, "And if I'm not mistaken, your hand is up in there somewhere.. not sure where, but I hope you're having fun." She shifted her hips to prove her point.

"Oh please," she grunted, "Like you can do anything I can't." She pulled backwards, trying to escape. Sticky fingers wasn't something she liked the idea of.

"Jealous, Light?" Fang taunted, stroking a hand down her arm, which was apparently in a very unscrupulous position – a quite warm and squishy one, to be exact.

Light blanched, "I – I most certainly am not! You two are disgusting!" She batted the thing away, trying to move her trapped appendage. "-and don't touch me."

Vanille squirmed on her lap in a way that was decidedly uncomfortable.

"Are you sure?" Fang made a slapping noise. Light wasn't sure what it was, and was pretty confident she didn't want to be. The wet sensation on her leg was enough. Oblivious to that fact, Fang continued, leering in the dark, "And what if I do this?" - another noise.

Light squeaked.

"Um, Fang?" Vanille piped up, nervous.

"Huh?"

"Umm... That's not me." She cringed.

"Oh shit . . Light? Are you … okay?" Fang asked, afraid to know the answer at first.

Lightning blinked, then exploded.

"Damnit Fang, can't you keep your hands where they belong? I swear to every fal'Cie in existence, I'm going to hack you to pieces!"

Vanille jumped, "Eek, Fang! Run!"

"Pfft. She's just mad that I didn't do it sooner. We all know she's the _real _pervert of the bunch."

"Fang!"

* * *

The disoriented trio stepped out of the compartment and took in the musty smell of Mahabara. The joy of freedom was shattered, however, when Lightning realized the hell she'd gotten herself into.

"What happened to 'hacking us to pieces,' Light?" Fang asked, "Can't wait for another round of seven minutes in heaven?"

Lightning growled, embarrassed. "There won't _be_ another round if you don't quit harassing me."

"Ooh, I'm _so_ scared," she laughed, "I'd actually believe you if your hands weren't flying everywhere. I think you're just pissed off because I have more fun than you." She winked.

"Yeah! You're just a big, green-eyed monster!" Vanille chimed in.

Fang rolled her eyes, nudging the girl. "You're a green-eyed monster, you little devil."

The cuteness was just too much to bear. Lightning grunted again, hopping off of the fal'Cie's back and onto what was left of the platform. A rust flan charged her, but she zapped it into oblivion before it got close.

"Ooh, she's fiesty today.. I like that."

* * *

"Lightning?" Vanille called to the strawberry-blonde, concerned.

No answer. The soldier merely grunted, zapping yet another monster. It exploded into innumerable pieces before her eyes. Vanille winced.

When she didn't go away, Lightning finally answered. "What?"

She paused, choosing her words carefully, "I, um . . I'm sorry about making you mad back there."

"I wouldn't be 'mad' if you and your little girlfriend didn't put your hands where you shouldn't," she replied, softening a bit. Her pace slowed considerably.

Vanille laughed nervously, "Sorry about that."

Lightning sighed, eying her with an expression she couldn't quite read before turning away. The two walked in mildly comfortable silence for quite some time. Although it was quiet, the girl couldn't help but worry. She cocked her head, glancing up every now and then to make sure Light was still there. A _comfortable _trek wasn't exactly the most common thing with Lightning, who usually was busy brooding and hitting things – unusual indeed.

She spotted Fang behind her, guarding the rear. For the past hour or so, she'd been doing nothing but exasperating the woman, and even after Light went off on her, she hadn't paid any mind. Vanille decided she had to put a stop to this, and she knew just how to do it. She was going to hang out with Lightning. What good that would do, she wasn't sure, but either way, it'd probably make some kind of difference.

They stayed like this for a few more hours in the Subterra, walking around aimlessly, until finally, there was a sound again.

"_AAAAAAH!"_

"What was that?"

All three women turned to the direction of the sound, only to be greeted by a screeching fireball. Apparently, Hope, while trying to get the sand out of his eyes, had managed to set himself aflame. Snow and Sazh followed suit, chasing him around and trying to put the fire out. Strangely, only his hair was burning. As if on cue, Lightning ran into the mix, also trying to spray the boy down.

"Oh, so that's what that smell was," Fang joked, watching the affair lazily.

Vanille looked to her companion with a torn expression. "Don't you think we should help them?"

"Nah, Light's got a thing for underage children. She'll get it."

"Fang!"

"What? I'm just being honest."

* * *

"Phew! I'm glad that's over," Sazh said, collapsing against a wall. Snow followed suit, watching as Lightning and Vanille's combined cure spells worked their magic on Hope's burns.

"We're not out of the woods yet," Light reminded, trying to shake off the tingling in her stomach as Vanille clasped her hand. Light had never known eyes to look so innocent and hopeful, yet still as defiant as ever. The girl gave a squeeze. She was surprised Fang hadn't said anything.

"He's going to be okay, Light. Don't you worry."

"Urgh," Hope grumbled, fading back into consciousness. "Light? Vanille?" He reached upwards feebly.

"Don't talk. We're not through with you yet," the soldier ordered, still channeling magic into the burns. He didn't protest. Minutes later, they were packed up and ready to go.

"We're going back to the springs. Don't try anything like that again." She looked at Hope, reprimanding him for getting himself into that situation. He frowned and followed the rest of the group to Atomos, which took seemingly forever. All the while, he couldn't help but wonder what was up between her and Vanille. Seeing those two walking together was just weird. Usually she was arguing with Fang, or hitting Snow.

* * *

Snow held Serah's tear up into the light, talking to Vanille. He had no idea that she'd met Serah too. That would've changed everything . . well, not really. It wasn't like he was going to have girl-talk with her or anything like that. He wasn't that desperate. He had to admit though, he was curious as to whether she might have left out a few details. That was something he wouldn't press, however. He tossed the tear to Light, not knowing that she'd been listening in the entire time. Lightning stared into the blue crystal, managing to look angry and depressed at the same time.

_So, Vanille met my sister, huh? That would've been nice to know a couple of weeks ago, but no, nobody ever tells Lightning anything. . . I swear, Serah, if I find out that you let that little pipsqueak corrupt you, when we bring you back, I'm going to take all your moogle plushies and throw them from here to Eden hall! And I'll make sure you ne-_

"Light?" the red-head said, breaking her concentration.

She glared at her. "What?"

"Um, I think you're going to break it.."

"Yeah, just like you probably broke – nevermind."

* * *

"We'll camp here for the night," Fang said, plopping down on the grass. The sun was beginning to set. Hope followed suit, along with Sazh and Vanille.

"Here? We're out in the open!" Lightning protested.

Fang stretched out, yawning, "Yeah, just like I like it – seeing the stars and all."

"Anything could just come and swoop us up. Isn't that dangerous?" she pressed, exasperated.

"Guys!" Vanille squeaked, "Stop fighting!"

Lightning sighed, walking off. Snow followed.

It took a few minutes for the others to settle down and unpack for the night. After that was done, Sazh and Hope took to conversation.

"Hey Sazh," Hope said idly, watching Lightning and Snow in the distance.

Sazh turned to him, holding his chocobo, "Yeah? What's on your mind?"

He turned his head slightly, glancing between the man and the others. "What do you think they're talking about over there?"

Sazh let the bird return to his hair, exhaling. "Probably about Serah. Light doesn't look like it, but she's just as torn up as Snow is over her."

"Oh." Hope said, feeling ashamed.

"What? What were you thinking, huh?" Sazh asked, teasing.

"Uh, nothing." he replied.

"Someone's jealous. I can see it," the man jested, laughing.

"I am not!"

* * *

Lightning rolled over in her sleep, throwing her arm over something warm and soft. The object responded back likewise, wriggling backwards until they pressed together, forms meshing. The soldier moaned as the morning light hit her eyelids, setting her vision on fire. She squinted them tighter, face pressing into whatever it was she had latched onto.

"Fang," it purred, and she scrunched up her nose.

_Fang? What?_

She did it again, eliciting the same response. A breeze came, tickling her face with hair-like tendrils – curly ones. She groaned, repressing the urge to sneeze and pressing even further into the thing, suddenly becoming aware of how cold it was. The object, clearly a person, turned around and wrapped its arms around her waist, relieving the feeling. Whoever it was was about Serah's size.

_That's it – Serah's size – this has to be a dream. It's probably just Snow's coat or something in real life... No sense in trying to wake up now. Maybe I could enjoy it for a few more minutes, _she thought, oblivious to the obvious. She snuggled further into the warmth, intertwining legs.

"Serah," she whispered, feeling their noses touch. She kissed it's forehead and nuzzled her way back into a comfortable sleeping position, already feeling at home in her sister's arms. She wished she'd done this sooner. It moaned again, squeezing, and she opened her eyes to utter horror.

"Vanille?"

"Lightning?"

* * *

Lightning, Fang, and Vanille stood together in a dark room, dimly illuminated by centuries old light fixtures. Taejin's Tower, it was – a winding, Cie'th infested pile of half deteriorated junk, no doubt ready to collapse at any moment. To make matters worse, some crack pot fal'Cie had decided it was high time to start using l'Cie for target practice, hampering their progress at every turn. The statue before them, the last on its floor, offered a chance at salvation: yet _another_ task to complete.

Lightning grew more impatient by the minute. She glared daggers at Fang, who was listening to the thing speak as she read a stone tablet, materialized when they'd approached.

_Etro, what are these things, tree spirits? This is taking longer than that scene in Lord of The Rings! _She mentally screeched, covering it with her usual facade. How she got her hands on, and managed to stand LOTR was anybody's guess. It was five hundred years old! With the technology they had now, why bother with a four and a half hour long movie when you could've made your own in the same amount of time. Then again, Lightning always did have a place in her heart for warriors, magic, long journeys, strange symbolism, and whatnot – what a coincidence that she'd landed herself in that position. She returned to her pacing, watching the greater of the scantily clad Pulsians in her peripheral vision.

Her patience was wearing thin. She paused, staring in the only place she could think of without looking too obvious, or getting caught looking at Vanille by Fang, in case she happened to choose that moment to glance back at her. "Read it," she ordered softly, quickly redirecting her attention to the statue when Vanille's eyes met hers,"I want to be ready for action before Snow catches up to us."

"Right, right. I know, you don't want to end up snuggling anyone else after this morning. Shove a sock in it, Light; I'm reading already," Fang said, waving it off.

"You say that like you haven't been doing the same since we go here," she replied, cooly, still facing away from the ginger.

_Smoothe, Light, right when the little pervert looks your way, start acting suspicious, _she chided herself, _Like you weren't _already_ checking her out back in Bresha anyways.. and to think, you probably already – nevermind._ She wiped off her hand, going off on yet _another_ internal monologue, just as Fang actually started reading the damn thing, mumbling. She noticed, letting out a large breath. _And people think _I'm_ the crazy one.._

"What does it want?" she asked, anxious to move on. _Who thought this up? Statues that force you to go on little side-quests? This better be quick or I swear I'll tear these things down by hand and kill that damned fal'Cie with what's left!_

Fang scrunched up her nose in confusion, still listening to what the beast had to say as she read the tablet. She sighed, "That's just the problem. I don't know what this guy's on about." She scratched her head, still staring down at the tablet.

"Ooh, what did he say?" Vanille chirped, as hyperactive as ever, going to peer over the woman's shoulder. She'd made a grab for Lightning's hand, but it had been easily avoided, luckily for the soldier.

Lightning could have sworn that Fang growled – not a commonplace occurrence when Vanille was in the picture. "Don't ask me. That's what I'm trying to figure out," she craned her neck just in time to catch a pair of azure orbs looking her over in veiled concern. She turned back again, smirking. "Here, you have crack at it, Vanille."

The redhead, realizing she was too short to reach her first target, slipped herself under Fang's arm, taking hold of the thing and staring with absolute wonder. At least, Light imagined she was staring in wonder, seeing as she was busy moaning like a horny little nymph. The sound was cut off with a gasp.

"What is it?"

Vanille pointed to a spot on the stone parchment, clapping a hand over her mouth. "Fang, is that what I think it is?" she asked worriedly, still pointing.

The woman in question squinted, pulling it closer to her face and scanning its length. She pulled back, furrowing her brow. "No, it couldn't be, could it?" Fang replied, trying to make out the word. "Pu.. puss... piss.. Puiss... Oh damn you insufferable deities and your illegible handwriting – I give up!"

"Fang!" her shorter counterpart shrunk away, eying the rocky figure, "You don't think he wants to . . " She gulped.

"Oh for the love of – give me that." Lightning grumbled, snatching it away and taking a look for herself. Vanille cowered behind Fang; a lot of good that would do if the thing was actually mobile. "For the love of Eden, you idiots, it says 'Puissant,' not-" she caught herself, "nevermind." Saying the 'P' word was out of the question with those two, especially now that the others had come into the room – wouldn't want to corrupt Hope any more than she already had. Light sighed for the fiftieth time, "My point is, it's not going to rape you, _Vanille_."

Fang pumped her fist in the air in an almost Snow-like display of stupidity, "I knew I was right!" she paused, "And like you haven't already tried that, Light."

"If she's anything like you, I'm pretty sure she'd be willing," Light replied, ignoring the bad feeling in her gut.

Fang quirked an eyebrow, "Oh really now? Care to test that theory out? I'm pretty sure that'd be a pretty interesting show for all of us to see."

One of the guys coughed in the background. "Uh, wrong time?"

Light shook her head, waving them on in. "Back to the statue.. Puissant soul, remember? We don't have all day."

Hope, Sazh, and Snow entered, forming a semi-circle, around the thing.

Fang paused, looking confused for a second, "Alright, I'll take the bait, but wait a minute soldier. What would this thing want with a piss ant?" She eyed the armored statue suspiciously as Snow walked over.

Lightning face-palmed.

_Why do I even try?_

"Let me take a look," Snow offered, holding out an oversized hand to her. Lightning gave the thing up without a second thought, passing it. The man palmed it easily, examining the text and rubbing his beard, or lack thereof.

"Well?" Light questioned, waiting.

"Oh," Snow snapped out of his trance, "It wants us to go smash some insanely powerful robot thing and get its powers back. That's all. No biggie." He paused. "Uh, Light? . . Uh oh."

"Don't look, kids. This is gonna get ugly," Sazh urged, taking the liberty of gathering the 'children' and going downstairs.

"Guys?.. Light? . . Come on! Don't shoot the messenger!"

Moments later, a very high pitched, girly squeal permeated the tower, accompanied by yelling and various loud noises. It was all that damned statue's fault. All of it.

* * *

_Clackity-clack._

Hope stopped walking and turned to the source of the sound. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted something vaguely familiar. He ran over to it, picking it up and holding it to the light. It had a small screen on the front, and as he turned it, he noticed holes in the back.

_That must be a speaker or something. I wonder what this is, _he thought, pausing. _It looks familiar.. Wait a minute_ - _Is that . . Lightning's? _His heart quickened in his chest. _I'd better keep this in my pocket for now; Light's probably not done beating up on Snow yet. I don't want to get caught in the crossfire._

"Whatcha got there?" Sazh asked, coming up behind him.

Hope turned around, hiding the thing quickly. "Uh, nothing! I don't have anything!"

_I can't let him see it! I've gotta be the one who gives it to her – me!_

"You sure, kid? You're acting awful suspicious there," he said, smiling. He was kidding, of course. Hope always looked suspicious, staring at people and what not.

"Y-yeah! I just had to tie my shoes is all," he lied. Luckily, Sazh bought it.

Minutes later, Lightning and a very bruised Snow came running down the steps, following after with the tablet. Hope had to focus on the floor to keep from jumping for joy. Boy, was he going to surprise her! . . but not yet, he couldn't give it to her until he figured out what it was, which would have to wait until they smashed this robot thing – whatever it was. He smiled. For once, the Hope man was going to be the cool hero guy who got all the girls. Absolutely.

* * *

**To be continued!**

**R&R plox! Reviews make me cry happy tears!  
**


	4. The Enemy of Thy Enemy is not Thy Friend

**Hi all! Just another update, full of more strange happenings and ideas. Apologies for lateness. ;b

* * *

**

"Hey, Fang?" Vanille chirruped, walking with the rest of the gang behind Lightning. Snow was tagging along at the rear, heavily battered. If they were in for a _real _fight, no doubt, he'd be useless. She smiled, looking to her companion.

"Yeah Vanille?" Fang answered, slowing down a bit to talk with her.

She tilted her head to the ceiling, not entirely sure on the words to use. "I've been thinking," she said, deciding that that simple sentence was explanatory enough.

"About?" the older Pulsian asked, genuinely curious.

"When we get to Oerba. I just know it has to be the answer to all our problems!" she said, optimistically.

Fang laughed, "Yeah. I mean, I'd be pretty damn flustered if I thought that all we were gonna find up there was dust and monsters, wouldn't you?"

"Of course!" the red-head squeaked, skipping around, "I mean, that would be terrible!" She slowed down, realizing she was getting too far ahead. "That stuff only happens in video games though, right?"

"As far as I know, cupcake. Now lets hurry up and find out, yeah?" Fang called cheerily. Perhaps the creeping feeling in her stomach didn't mean anything at all. It was beginning to feel like a good day.

Vanille piped up, "Yep, I bet it hasn't changed a bit!"

* * *

Lightning roared, hacking away at the purple and blue monstrosity of a robot that was their target of the hour. It seemed the group had bitten off more than they could chew, and enemies swarmed them. They were surrounded. So much for an easy killing spree.

"What do they feed these things?" Vanille yelped, barely dodging a massive mechanical arm.

"Pheonix feathers, I'm betting," Fang replied, smacking one of the purple demon-spawn in the head, or at least what she thought to be its head. It was a robot, so technically, it didn't have to be anatomically correct. Still, with the horrible costume design of most of the humanoid characters, she'd have to say, the head would have to be a pretty accurate guess.

"Machines don't eat, you moron," Lightning grunted, still beating the enemy mooks to pieces. Sazh, Snow, and Hope watched from a distance, eating popcorn.

"This is some good TV," the oldest commented, shoveling more food into his mouth. Snow and Hope agreed, doing the same. It went on like this for a few minutes, with very little progress on their part. Like the enemies, the popcorn just kept on coming. As to where it came from, no one may ever know - must've been more strange l'Cie magic. Hope's eyes flicked from the shady bits of food and back to the battle, which was steadily being lost.

"Uh, guys?" Vanille whimpered, "We could use some help over here!"

"Yeah, what's keeping ya?" Fang asked, batting away another robot before it got too close. It hit the ground in a pile of crumpled metal, and another took its place.

Hope yawned, "I just kinda get the feeling we're not needed here. I'm pretty sure you guys got it covered."

"Yeah, just summon your eidolons and get it over with already. We could use some pretty colors around here," Sazh said, still chewing, "You'll be fine! Here, take the instructions if you're so worried."

"Sazh, no!" Fang cried, but alas, it was too late.

He tossed the stone block at Fang, who looked up just in time to catch it . . with her face, leaving everyone's hope riding on none other than Lightning.

* * *

"Old man, you're gonna pay for that," Fang growled, panting. She cradled her bloody nose as she drunkenly stamped over to his twitching form. "Light! Come fix my face! I want to savor this moment," she ordered, cackling maniacally.

Lightning had defeated the seemingly unending robot army, even without Fang and Vanille's help – Vanille's, of course, because she had dropped out of the battle to go kick Sazh's ass for being a moron, and Fang's because she was hopelessly knocked out.

"Fix it yourself," Lightning replied, "I'm not getting involved in one of your schemes."

Fang just laughed.

_Oh how wrong you are, Farron, how wrong you are,_ the woman chuckled to herself, looking around for potential targets. _Ah, here we go – standard butt monkey material, ripe for the picking. He looks like he's about to say something. Let's see if we can't use that to our advantage... Oh damn, that dumb blonde is looking at me again. What could he possibly want?_

"I'll do it!" Snow offered, trying to be of use.

_Oh great, _Fang sighed, _this spells disaster. _She turned to him, frowning.

"Oh no you won't. I remember correctly, this is all _your _fault," Fang said, "I do recall hearing you say this would be 'no biggie,' after all." She looked at Lightning for any hints of a response. The sight made her smile.

_Sweet success. She'll grill him like a behemoth's tail at a Saturday night barbecue festival, and when that's over and done . . Well, lets just say Sazh won't be too far from being next on her list. Brilliant! If this works, Sazh'll get what's coming to him and I won't even have to lift a finger! Mwahahaha!  
_

Snow cowered in the corner, watching Lightning with wide eyes. "Don't look at me, she's the one who couldn't read it!" He pointed at Fang.

"Pfft. Look who's talking, wise guy," she shot back, grinning mischievously.

Lightning sighed, "Well, if half of you weren't illiterate, we wouldn't have this problem, _Fang._" She planted a hand on her hip, glaring, "and if _this _moron," she glared at Sazh, "hadn't decided to play frisbee with a five ton ancient tome, I wouldn't feel like killing you all, so I'd say we're about even."

Fang rolled her eyes, "Yeah, yeah. Now that's all great and wonderful, but would you mind putting my face back in working order? It's my bread and butter, you know." She made a face, trying to look innocent – well, as innocent as she could manage in her condition. Vanille agreed, exhausted. Why Lightning obliged, she had no idea.

"On the ground. Now."

Meanwhile, the boys cowered in the corner, wholeheartedly expecting everything to go horribly wrong. After all, this was Light, not some benevolent little priestess who went around bowing heads and kissing babies. She was bound to do _something_. Hope sat up, watching the affair, Lightning and Vanille fussing over Fang like a freshly torn photograph. It was high time he did his part!

He walked over to the trio, being careful not to get in the way. Cure magic was pretty fickle, he reasoned. One minute it was healing the wounded, and the next it was crawling up someone else's pants leg. Though, most of the latter was on Vanille's part. It seemed to happen to Lightning and Fang a lot, actually. That, or she'd just up and heal the wrong person.

"_Hey, it's not my fault! Sometimes I just get distracted!"_

"_What could possibly distract you from the fact that I'm dieing over here? Am I missing something?"_

He shook off the memory, side-stepping to give her more room. "Uh, guys?" He said tentatively, very much not wanting to disturb them. Fang was still pretty messed up, from the looks of it. A row of teeth snapped back into place with a _crack,_ forcing him to turn his head.

"Huh?" Vanille answered, waving her hands around to mold the flesh back into place. Lightning was focusing on her eyebrows, ensuring that none of the magic was wasted. Neither looked away.

"I um, have something to show you guys. I mean, if you want." He cringed at the last part, cursing his boyish inferiority complex.

"Can't it wait kid? I kinda got some problems of my own here," Fang said, before getting her hand smacked by Vanille.

"Fang!"

"Be still," Lightning hissed, redoubling her efforts.

Hope winced, backing away.

_Well, that backfired... What now? _He touched a hand to the GPS in his pocket, still watching. _Stupid Fang, getting in the way of my plans.. It's not my fault her face is all screwed up. Why can't they just ignore Sazh? _Defeated once more, he sat back down again with the others.

"Hey Snow?"

"Yeah?" The blonde answered, sporting a black eye and a busted lip. One that no one had bothered to heal, Hope noticed. If Snow hadn't been asking for it in the first place, it would've been a cringe worthy moment, but seeing as he was, he didn't care so much. It was just another example of what could possibly go wrong when you got on Light's bad side.

"When do you think Light'll be finished with Fang's face?" He asked, considering rewording the question; Snow wasn't exactly looking his best in that area either. He didn't want to seem like a jerk. With his luck, the big guy would probably get up and sit on him or something. That wouldn't be pleasant.

To Hope's relief, Snow didn't take it the wrong way. "Light? Whatever happened to Vanille, eh? You made your mind up which one you're gonna chase now?" He laughed.

"Uh, n-no! That's not it at all! I was just wondering," the boy lied frantically, tipping over with the action.

_Snow can't know that I like Light! He'll tell someone!_

"I see," Snow said, smiling, "Not to worry little man, I'm sure they'll be done in a few minutes."

Hope sighed. It was going to be a long day.

"Feelin' okay little buddy?"

Hope snapped up from his fetal position on the ground. Snow had lied. _LIED. _An hour had gone by with almost no progress on Fang's face. Apparently, Lightning and Vanille were still arguing on how much mana to put into healing her nose. Light wanted to get it over with, and Vanille wanted it to be a slow go operation, much to everyone's demise.

"Light! Watch it! This isn't a charbroiled steak we're grilling here!" Fang yelped in the background, thrashing around as her nose was forcefully repaired. Vanille smacked the pinkette's hand away, taking over.

"That may be true, but it's also not an overnight smoke session either, and I'd prefer if we weren't stuck here for _another_ day and a half trying to make it one, _Vanille,_" the soldier retorted.

"Uh, Hope?" Snow said, nudging the boy in the shoulder.

"Huh?" he answered, still not really paying attention. Snow noticed.

"You sure you're feeling okay?" he asked, worried.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"Good, cause we'll be back pounding monsters again in no time, right?" He held his fist in the air, relieved.

Hope blanched, "Uh, right. Sure we will."

Sazh laughed, playing with the chocobo, "Yeah, you can delude yourself into believing whatever you want, kids. I'm stickin' with the truth, and the truth is . . Well, for one, we're inevitably going to get ourselves killed before we manage to figure out our focus in the first place, and two, if we do find our focus, at this rate, we're going to die before we complete it anyway. Pretty great, huh?"

Snow looked at him like he was crazy. "Don't say things like that! Do you have any idea how powerful words are?"

"Powerful?" the man questioned, "and I suppose you're saying that we could've just talked our way out of all these crazy fal'Cie battles and whatnot?"

"I guess not, but it would be awesome if we could. Maybe I could even persuade Light to be my sister!" He said, loudly enough for Lightning to hear. Fang yelped . . loudly. He continued, "but I guess that'll never happen."

Hope shrugged, "Anything's possible with a little determination. Some things you just do," he said, "I mean, it would've been pretty convenient, wouldn't it? Since fal'Cie can't die and all . . I think."

"So wait, it is possible?"

Sazh nodded, "Yeah, we all heard what Barthandelus said about them being immortal and all. It'd be kind of lame if we found out that we pretty much battled them for nothing, huh? Or if they weren't invincible and we killed them just like that and ended up doing exactly what they wanted all along despite the fact that we were trying to make our own destiny?" He sighed. _Rambling much? _

"That would suck... Isn't improbability great?"

* * *

The party trudged along the dusty circular pathways of the tower in awkward silence. After much fussing and childish arguments, Fang's face had finally been pieced back together, and of course, those damned statues had succeeded in fending off Dahaka's premenstrual violence, leaving Lightning the same mildly schizophrenic death-machine she had always been. So, in essence, everything was as it should have been . . At least, it appeared to be.

"Whatcha got there, Hope?" Vanille asked, trotting along beside him merrily. She was staring at his pants for some odd reason. The realization clicked in his head. He must've had a boner or something. Vanille probably had no clue about those, being as innocent as she was. He choked on that thought, blushing.

"Uh, nothing! It's just my pants – yeah!" he yelped, covering his area subconsciously. The waddling effect that induced didn't seem to help the predicament any.

"No, no no! That square thing over on the left side!" the girl insisted, pointing.

_Square? _He thought, glancing around as he frantically tried to cover the left-most area of his crotch, _Fang's gonna kill me!_

"What? Left? I don't know what you're talking about, Vanille. I don't have anything, really!" He said, not noticing until it was too late. As they walked into a doorway, Vanille's arm went full length down his pocket. "G-gah! Vanille!"

"Really?" she asked, pulling out a plastic object, "Then what's this?"

Hope panicked, leaping up and reaching for it. With her two inch heels, the girl was just tall enough to keep it from him. He squealed, jumping after the device as they ran around the room. "Vanille! No, that's my diary!" he lied.

_I can't let her know what this is! She'll give it to Light! I want to do that!_ He thought, chasing her.

"Ooh, lets read it, shall we? It kind of looks familiar!" Vanille piped, running in circles.

"No, wait! Nobody can see-"

"We're here!" Snow announced, interrupting him in mid sentence. The two stopped running around for a moment, Hope still reaching for the thing incessantly and yelling.

"Come on now, give the kid back his toy," Sazh said, looking on, "Wouldn't want princess over here to take it back, would you?" He laughed, looking to Lightning, who was squinting at the object in question, as was Fang. Even Snow gave it a fair glance or two. "What? Am I missing something?"

"Nah, I just can't shake a feeling, that thing is familiar," Fang pointed out, walking over and taking the device out of Vanille's hand, examining it. "I guess it's just similar or something. I dunno." She turned back to their leader, waiting for a go ahead to enter the elevators. There were three, it seemed, each with enough space for two people, much smaller than the others.

"Wait a minute, give me that," Light ordered, snatching it out of her hand and stepping into the light, squinting. Suddenly, she squeaked, "Gakk! It's that same damned GPS!" She tossed it to the ground, aiming her gunblade in horror.

"Hello Claire, we meet again," it stated plainly, lighting up. A small heart icon appeared on screen.

"Don't call me that you stupid hunk of plastic!" Lightning screamed, pulling the trigger multiple times. When that failed, she resorted to violence. "Why won't you shoot, damnit?" she yelled, "Just because I'm not in a cutscene doesn't mean you can take the day off!" She smacked the barrel repeatedly, flailing.

"Um... I don't think that's going to work," Hope mumbled, quickly retrieving the object and backing away. "Uh, besides, I think . . it's probably pretty safe!" he blurted.

"Just get in the damned elevators already!" she screamed, storming off. Vanille followed giddily.

"You think it's that time of the month again?" Snow asked, keeping his distance.

Sazh nodded.

* * *

"So, wait, let me get this straight," Fang choked out, laughing, "Our kick-ass Lightning, soldier girl, is named _Claire?_"

"Well, yeah, according to this thing," Hope answered nervously as the elevator compartment rumbled away.

"You've got to be kiddin' me. Really, I mean, _Claire?_" she chortled, "That's just ridiculous.. I mean, I thought it was just mistaken at first, but _Claire?_" She slapped her thigh, taking the thing and laughing.

Hope scratched his chin, backing against the wall of the elevator, "Uh, I dunno. I mean, it could be wrong, right?"

Fang pulled him over, slapping him on the back, "Of course, but I still can't believe our little sunshine is named _Claire! _I mean, what's next? Snow and Serah end up being Bonnie and Clyde?" She guffawed, clicking away on the GPS screen, trying to find more dirt.

The boy laughed nervously, "Um, yeah, and the Palamecia," he chuckled, "all those colors – what was that, a flying pride parade? I mean seriously, what were they thinking?" he asked, oblivious to the fact that Fang had gone silent.

"And just _what_ is wrong with flying pride parades, huh, little man?" Fang asked mischieviously.

"Uh, nothing, nothing!"

* * *

"Hey, hey, watch where you put those," Sazh snapped, shoving blindly in the dark elevator compartment, "Just because I offered to get in here blindly doesn't mean that I want to come out like it too!" It was pitch black in the damn thing, save for the miscellaneous numbers and random glowing lines sparkling about.

"I'm not doing anything!" Snow defended, holding his hands up and backing away.

The man puffed, "Pssh, like I believe anything coming out of your mouth.. I'm pretty sure Lightning wouldn't mind Brynhildr and I roasting your ass if she knew what you did to my hair."

Snow laughed, "Sazh, get real. Your eidolon gets a sex change every time you summon it, and after what you did to Fang's face, I'm sure Light wouldn't mind if you got iced, if you catch my drift." He smiled deviously, pounding his fist for effect.

"What?" Sazh blanched, "It does not!"

"Oh please," Snow said, "You can't tell me that that prissy little bye-bye wave it does isn't gay, Sazh."

He put his hands on his hips, "Oh, so now this is about gay people? I'm sure Fang'd be really happy to hear that, huh?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Wait . . what?" Snow asked, confusedly. He squinted, as if that'd help him see the truth in the darkness.

"Please, please don't tell me you haven't figured this out by now," he sighed heavily, "We've been through with this already, Snow, haven't we?"

The blonde furrowed his brow in confusion, "Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry."

Sazh grimaced, "Man, you really are as dumb as you look."

The cabin rumbled away, shaking violently. Some dust fell from the ceiling.

"Uh, Snow, did this thing sound like that five minutes ago?" Sazh asked, nervous.

Snow looked up, "Erm . . I don't think so."

He sighed, "You know what that means."

"Uh oh."

* * *

Lightning propped herself against the lightly rusted metal of the elevator. For such a small craft, it was quite comfortable, especially considering the close proximity to Vanille. She could imagine how the others were; Snow and Sazh would have to be almost nose to nose to fit in theirs – not a pleasant thought. She blanched, glancing back at the red-head in front of her. The other flashed a smile, fiddling with a small pouch. Lightning cocked an eyebrow.

"What's with you?" she asked, calmly.

Vanille jumped, nearly dropping her bag. "Erm, nothing!" she insisted, waving her hands about wildly. Perhaps she was hiding something? _ Pfft, wouldn't be the _first _one of us around here, hmm... Hope, Snow, Fang, hah._

"Right," she responded, sighing coolly, "and I suppose you expect me to _believe _you, knowing how you and Fang are?"

"B-but, Lightning! It's true!" the shorter girl defended, completely forgetting about the purse she was so carelessly swinging about as she fretted. Lightning couldn't help but liken her to a flustered moogle, in her state.

"About as true as you stealing Hope's diary, I assume," she brushed back a lock of pink hair from her face, watching the other girl fume, "I mean, not that I wouldn't expect him to have one, but I highly doubt he'd take it _here_ of all places. What were you thinking?"

"W-what?" Vanille blinked. _She knew about that too? How?_

Lightning laughed, "There's not a single idiot in the world dumb enough to bring one of those around _you _two," she said, emphasizing the last two words in reference to Fang, no doubt.

"But Lightning!"

"What?"

"How did you know?" The girl asked, contorting her face in some sort of half frown. A jolt in the elevator compartment changed that, if only for a moment. The lights flickered off for a brief second.

"How did I know what? You and your insidious plots to drive me insane?" She raised yet another skeptical brow, much to Vanille's demise.

"Nooo!" the other squeaked, "That's not what I meant at all!"

"Then what?" The soldier asked, growing impatient as she tapped her foot. The monotonous chiming outside of the compartment wasn't helping much.

"Umm... I dunno," she said, finally, exasperating Light to no end.

She grunted, refraining from bashing her skull against the wall repeatedly. With her l'Cie powers, who knows what kind of damage that would cause.

The shorter of the two took notice, quickly adding, "Uh, but it was pretty cool how you read that . . um, thing you read!"

"What thing?" she asked grimly, glaring at her.

"Um, that tablet – thingy, yeah!" Vanille continued sheepishly, "How'd you do that?"

She frowned, "By being _literate_."

Apparently, Vanille had no grasp of the word, however, as Light soon gathered from her response. "Oh, um, that's cool I guess." She smiled, obviously clueless as to what she meant. "So, um, whatcha doin?"

"What do you think?"

* * *

"You are in violation of several traffic laws; please try again," a metallic voice droned.

Fang laughed, holding the thing ever higher as Hope groped for it. "You're gonna have to try harder than that, little man!" she yelled.

"N-no! What are you doing?" he cried out, reaching with all his might. Fang pushed him away easily as the elevator screeched about.

"Haha, trying to find that diary you were talking about. What else?" she continued to push buttons on the device, pushing Hope's head down with her free hand. He flailed against her pathetically. Suddenly, the elevator screeched to a halt.

"_FAAAAAANG!" _A voice called out through the silence.

"What?" she yelled back, Hope clapped his hands over his ears.

"_IF WE MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"_

"WHAAAT?" she yelled again, putting Hope in a headlock.

"_I SAID," _the voice paused, _"IF WE MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"_

"Sorry Light! Can't hear ya! I don't think the acoustics around here support lies!" she shouted, flailing once again.

"_ARGHHH!"_

Fang laughed dismissively, wiping her brow as she leaned against the wall.

"What did you just do?" Hope squeaked.

"Shut up and get your face out of my boobs, boy. Maybe by then, I'll have it figured out."

* * *

**Fin, at least until the next update.**

**Hope you enjoyed!  
**


	5. Notions be Damned

**Hallo all, once again. I'm updating twice in the same day, as you can see, hehe. Apologies for the relative shortness, as this file was already half complete when I'd finally finished the last chapter. There might be a piece missing . . if there is I'll probably just insert it as a flashback, or whatever. Anyway, enjoy.

* * *

**

"Fang, get over here," Lightning ordered curtly, knowing that she _had_ to be at the source of the absolute madness that had ensued for the past four hours of absolute horror.

"_Liiiight~" Vanille had called her, brushing up against her in the dark, "Come on, tell me!"_

_Two hours, she had thought to herself. She'd survived for two hours; she could survive for two more._

"_No."_

"_Lightning!" she pleaded, "Please? I wanna know!"_

"_I said no, and don't touch me." She repeated, growing impatient._

"_Oh come on! You have to!" the red-head insisted, "I told you my secret! Now you have to tell me yours!" She tugged on her hand, ignoring the warning._

"_Your secret wasn't a secret at all!" Lightning yelled, fuming._

_The other girl made a noise, sighing, "It was kind of a secret! Now come on, tell me!"_

"_Ugh, no!" she pulled her hand free, dragging it through her thrice mussed hair, "Etro, I swear, this is worse than playing truth or dare with Snow!" She groaned, immediately wishing she hadn't mentioned it._

"_Ooh! Let's play that!" the younger cooed, bouncing around energetically, "Truth or dare, Light!"_

"_No."_

"_Please?" Vanille asked, making the poutiest face she could manage, even though she knew Light couldn't see. It worked._

"_If I play . . . truth or dare," she cringed, "does that mean you'll leave me alone?"_

"_Sure!" Vanille peeped, hugging her, "Now, truth or dare!"_

"_Get off of me."_

"_Play by the rules Light! Truth or dare!"_

"_Yes." she answered after a second, feeling witty._

"_Light!" she frowned, "You have to pick one!"_

"_Fine," she sighed, "Truth."_

"_Aww, you're no fun," Vanille said, exhaling, "Fine . . So, Light, why did you _really_ smack Fang in the face? Is it cause you're just a big ol' jealous lezzie? Or is it something else?" she asked, giggling._

_Lightning was appalled. "What? No! .. And get off of me!" she said, trying to separate them, "Getting caught cuddling on accident is one thing; getting caught on purpose is another!"_

"_So you're saying you like cuddling with me? Aww! I always knew you were a big softie!" Vanille cooed yet again, squeezing harder._

"_No! And I'm not obligated to answer that!" Light protested._

"_But you haven't answered my first question!"_

"_Urgh! I said no!"_

_Vanille's grip suddenly lessened, "Okay! Your turn!"_

"_What?" she asked, confused for a moment, "Oh, um . . Truth or dare?"_

_The shorter girl giggled, "Dare. I'm not boring like you, Light; I like to take risks! Show me whatcha got! Make it outrageous and fun!"_

_Light touched a finger to her chin, making an effort to ignore the fact that a certain remora eel still hadn't removed herself from her person as she thought. "Hm.. Well, I dare you to . . lick the bottom of your shoe," she said, finally._

"_What?" Vanille gasped, "Ew! No, and . . that's the best you can come up with? Geez, Light? What rock have you been living under for the past 21 years of your life? Pick another dare!" She commanded._

"_No! .. And how do you know how old I am?"_

"_That's beside the point! Now pick! Punish me! Do something!" she squealed, ready to throw a tantrum._

_Lighning sighed, "Fine, as punishment for not doing the dare, you have to kiss . . damnit, nevermind!"_

"_Finish Light! Say what you were going to say," Vanille cooed._

"_Uh, um . . Gah! You have to kiss the floor! Yes . . the floor," she spat out quickly, feeling like a fool._

"_Aww! Light wants a kiss – so cute!" she said, bursting into an uncontrollable fit of giggles._

"_Argh!" she growled, "No, I don't! I want you to kiss the floor! I only did this so you'd leave me alone!" She could've killed her right now. She really could have, and if it weren't for her fear of burning alive, she would've used a fire spell so she could see to do it._

"_That's really sweet; you're embarrassed!" Vanille laughed, still hugging her, "It's okay Light. I used to be in the closet too!"_

"_No, I'm not! Now just kiss the damn floor and let go of me!"_

"_Aww, Light, no lame punishments like that. Come on, everybody knows the kiss dares always have to be on people . . and sometimes small unsuspecting animals, but! You and I both know that there's only the two of us in here, so come on, finish what you were going to say!"_

_Lightning blushed and heaved yet another heavy sigh before giving in. "Fine . . I dare you to . . kiss me." She shuddered, cringing. The next moment was the longest in her entire lifetime._

"Yes sunshine?" the pulsian answered ever so confidently, "I assume your time in the elevator with Vanille was, shall I say, invigorating, eh?"

Lightning glared at Vanille, "You little traitor! We both agreed never to speak of that again!" She pointed a finger accusingly, nearly on the verge of tears.

Fang laughed, "Oh, but she didn't. You see, I heard every little detail, hehe. It seems you're quite the Romeo, Light. You should be happy."

"What?" Lightning blanched, "But – how?" She was absolutely flabbergasted.

"Oh, just the standard ear-to-the-wall eavesdropping, hehe," she said, sauntering casually over to the soldier, "You know, you could've just taken the easy way out of that last little bit there and dared her to kiss me after we inevitably escaped and whatnot, but _no, _big ol' lezzie Lightning has to hog up all the attention to herself – and from the sound of it, you got a whole lotta attention there, hotshot. I had to break out the earmuffs for poor little Hope over there, lest you corrupt him any more than you already think you have, heheh."

"What kind of earmuffs?" Vanille asked, popping up out of nowhere. Lightning glared at her.

"These babies," she said, puffing out her chest triumphantly.

"Ooh! I bet that was fun!"

"Fang, shut up."

* * *

"_Hey, lets go back thataway! I mean, when Snow eventually sells our story out to the media and it all goes into some sort of crazy video game, I'm pretty sure he'll leave out all the insane backtracking we did, won't he?" Sazh said, as they'd just gotten to the top of Taejin's Tower, of course, spoken just as soon as the group spotted Dahaka at the top._

"_Your idea, not mine, old man," Fang said, "Doesn't mean I can't agree with you though," she added under her breath._

"So wait, _whose_ grand idea was it that we walk _all_ the way back here?" Lightning asked, fretting as they approached a Cie'th stone back in Sulyya Springs – the first they'd seen since nearly getting themselves killed going back down the tower and out into the desert again, all of that taking place almost half a day ago. "This had better be a damned portal, or I'll just have to throw one of you off of a cliff, and you'd better hope Fang isn't too lazy to summon Bahamut either, which reminds me . . WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND FLY US TO OERBA!" she screamed, shaking the woman with wild eyes and foaming at the mouth.

Fang answered lazily, "Eh, too much trouble. Now move outta my way, I wanna hurry up and get this over with so me and Vanille can go find a chocobo to run over you with or some fava beans and a nice chianti... and you can get a shower, love muffins," she said, touching the stone and choosing the destination for travel, or so she thought. She hoped that was what she was doing. The last time this happened, she ended up summoning giant turtle monsters and getting Hope stepped on. Thankfully, before Lightning could throttle her, they were teleported to their old campsite near the Steppe.

"You're as good as dead, Fang. I swear."

"Right.. Now go on, march your stinky little butt up to the waterfall eh? And say hi to the flans for me, huh?"

* * *

Controversial. All the feelings rushing to Vanille's mind could be summed up in that one word. Never in her life had she ever seen such a beauty. None could match the elegance of Lightning, not even Fang and her charm. It was ironic; she didn't even try, and yet here Vanille was, just as star struck as if an adamantoise had kicked her square in the head. She glanced over her shoulder at Fang, who turned to look back inquisitively, somehow managing to keep an eye on Lightning in the process.

"Nervous?" she whispered into her ear teasingly, making sure that the two remained unseen in the greenery. Vanille couldn't help but marvel at how their curves fit together perfectly, pressed against rough tree bark. She nodded, mouth still gaping at the absolutely gorgeous form under the waterfall ahead of them, miraculously oblivious to their antics. Vanille's features glowed a pinkish hue as Lightning emerged from the water in full view of the two pulsians, as well as anyone else that may have been watching. After all, Fang and Vanille were sure they weren't the only ones appreciating their comrade's beauty.

The way the water cascaded down her body - simply amazing, and what poise! Leave it to stoic Lightning to be the picture of perfect grace. It didn't matter that she was covered in blood, caked with grease, and plastered with dirt; she was mesmerizing because of her eyes. One sidelong glance and anyone with a brain would quiver in their boots. How could they not? Those eyes saw right through you, down to the core. It was like stepping on broken glass; painless at first, but hell if you got caught in it long enough – talk about looks that kill.

However, Lightning's eyes were closed at the moment. She could almost feel the gazes of others on her, not because she was paranoid, but because she wasn't stupid. She'd heard the excited gasps in the bushes as she rose from the foaming waters. She'd been aware of the occasional rustle that happened once too many times before the she disappeared under the surface. She'd even listened to voices, which of course, she selectively ignored. Could it be any more obvious? She tossed her pink tresses over her shoulder, slinging water backward. Yet another rustle in the bushes, accompanied by a squeak - she frowned.

"I know you're there," she said coolly, confident, despite her obvious disadvantage, being naked and whatnot. She swam forward until her feet touched the bottom of the pool once more, draping her hair over her shoulder and standing up straight. She may have been modest, to a degree, but after the incident with l'Cie marks, added in with the stolen moments of privacy she'd already lost, she saw no point in making an attempt at further modesty. So long as it wasn't one of the boys, she thought she could live with losing a few more.

Vanille's heart leapt into her throat as a gasp escaped its vicinity. She grabbed Fang's hand tightly, looking to her for insight. Fang's face remained in its previous state, a smug smirk gracing her lips as she looked between the two in amusement. Vanille attempted to slide from their spot in the tree branches and show herself, being stopped by Fang almost immediately. The latter murmured lowly, "Hold on a second there, Casanova. I've got a trick up my sleeve." She stifled a laugh, emphasizing the meaning with a pelvic thrust and an obscure gesture, the former action hitting Vanille's rear and sending her forehead directly into a tree.

Vanille squeaked, pushing away from the bark, "What kind of trick?" she asked, keeping a wary eye on Lightning, just in case she tried to rush them, is all.

Fang's smirk widened even more than it had before, to the point of being an almost wolfish grin. "What do you mean, 'what kind of trick?' There's nothing to it - I'll distract Lightning while you grab her clothes and get behind some bushes; then, you come up from behind all sexy like and we'll have our way with 'er. Everybody wins - simple."

"But how will that work? Light'll ju-" she was cut off as the woman sauntered out into the clearing, fingers ghosting a trail along the small of Vanille's exposed back. The latter fought back a squeal as goosebumps made their way up her spine, watching worriedly - Lightning's clothes were on the other side of the pond; she'd have to cross the stream to get there, thus leaving the safety and cover of the bushes. She could see the shiny hilt of the Blazefire saber poking out of its scabbard, no doubt already honed for use on anyone who so much as irritated her. Vanille sucked air through her teeth hard, mouthing to herself, "I'll have to be sure and grab that if I'm going to go through with this. Otherwise, Fang'll be through!" She sighed.

Meanwhile, Fang sauntered out into the clearing. Lightning turned to face the footsteps approaching her, eyes narrowing considerably when she realized who they belonged to. She did her best to shrug off the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach as the pulsian looked her up and down. Lightning knew she was up to something - no way in hell someone like Fang would be so pointedly sizing her up without having something particularly unpleasant in mind.

"So, to whom do I owe the pleasure of the occasion?" The tribeswoman's voice filled her ears, a lecherous grin blanketing her intentions.

Lightning's frown couldn't have possibly been more pronounced. She retracted it, putting on a more neutral expression. She huffed, "Pleasure? You've got to be kidding. Where's your accomplice?"

Fang laughed, feigning confidence, and doing a poor job of it, "Hah, accomplice? What are you talking about?" She let out a laugh and muttered, "Accomplices – what will you kids think up next?"

Lightning didn't look the slightest bit convinced. She spoke, halting the other woman's rambling. "I'm talking about Vanille."

Fang's eyes widened, darting to the bushes on instinct. She covered it quickly. "Vanille? I don't know what you're talking about. Vanille's probably off somewhere doing something with . . with Hope! Yes, Hope – that kid's a real riot I tell ya," she lied quickly. It was a messy affair; she hadn't expected her to be _that _perceptive. Lightning wasn't pleased. She cast a glance in the same direction. She was right; Fang was planning something, and judging by the horrible attempt at lying, it was rather impromptu. How _delightful._

Vanille had to stifle a laugh as she hopped the stream and dove into the bushes. Seeing Lightning looking like a sullen kitten, standing naked, arms crossed, and giving Oerba Yun Fang the evilest eye known to man was almost too good to be true, not to mention the fact that Fang was officially the worst liar in the universe, something she hadn't known. She watched the affair carefully, giving Fang a thumbs up to keep going.

Lightning glared in scrutiny, trying to piece together the situation in her head. "You're up to something, aren't you?" She tapped a naked foot impatiently, ready for an onslaught of strung up monster carcasses to pop up out of nowhere and come chasing her down the way, or something to that effect.

Fang waved it off, chortling wildly, "What, me? Up to something?" she sighed, "Pfft, that's crazy. I mean, why else would I be here, other than to gaze upon a beauty that rivals my own?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. Lightning was surprised that Fang could have those words in her vocabulary, much less force them out of her mouth.

"Cut the crap, Fang," Lightning spat, anxious to get back into her clothes, since her bath had been ruined, "What are you and your little pervert sidekick doing here? I thought you were supposed to be looking for something back at camp, or was that another sad excuse for a lie too?"

Fang sighed, "I just finished explaining that. Weren't you listening?" She cast a look over Lightning's shoulder, just in time to catch Vanille carting Lightning's clothes off into the flora. Lightning twisted around, a split second too late. Vanille was already hidden in the shadows.

Lightning's eyes narrowed. "She's in the bushes isn't she?" she said softly, turning her head back in the direction she'd looked previously.

" I'll take that as a no," she went on, "and I have no idea what you're on about. Can't just take a girl's word, can you?" she asked, relieved that the woman hadn't noticed the missing bundle of cloth, or the absent gunblade. She smirked. _Gotta give her just a little more time. Then I can make my move._

"Not when that girl goes by the name of Oerba Yun Fang, I can't, and especially not when she's corrupted a certain pervert into doing her bidding."

"What's with you and the word, 'pervert,' these days, eh? Can't keep idle accusations to yourself either?" she raised an eyebrow, loving the effect this was having. Vanille scooted on back across the stream as the pinkette looked in the other direction, still searching for any signs of trickery – all according to Fang's plan, of course. However, she hadn't accounted for one thing: Light's hearing. The woman's eyes darted back just in time to catch a glimpse of the girl.

"Fang, where are my clothes?" she asked, uncharacteristically softly.

_Uh-oh . . _Fang gulped, and just like that, all hell broke loose. Quickly, before anything else could happen, the Pulsian gave her a tackle from hell, yelling, "Vanille! We've been found out! Plan B, plan B!"

"What's plan B?" Vanille asked, bolting from the bushes and fretting with her fists at her sides, not noticing the other heads now daring to peer from the bushes.

"Urgh!" Lightning growled, trying to free herself from the woman's grasp, "I knew you two were up to something! . . Ugh, let GO!" She thrashed, pounding her fists against Fang's back.

Fang grunted, trying to keep Lightning in one place, which was growing increasingly harder to do, "Quick! Help me push her into the water before she beats me to death!"

* * *

"Fang, as many times as I've said it before during our trip, I want you to know that I'm entirely serious when I say this," Lightning sighed, drying her hair with one of the spare furs Vanille had been kind enough to loan her, "Before this long, horrible journey is over, I am going to kill you. _kill._" She leaned against the makeshift bedroll they'd pieced together out of the shipwreck from weeks earlier sighing. The sentence didn't seem to have all that much meaning at the moment, seeing how exhausted she was from earlier.

"Pfft, after today, I'd like to see you try, really," Fang answered, smiling, "One minute, you're mumbling about cuddling Snow's coat, the next, you're trying to steal my girlfriend, and I haven't seen you groping for my throat yet."

"Just you wait, that day'll come soon enough. I'm sure of it."

* * *

**To be continued . . .**

**R&R Plox! Cheers!  
**


	6. Excellence of Execution

**Hi all, just another update to get my writing juices flowing again. Apologies for any errors I neglected to correct (hey that rhymed!) or anything of that nature. Again, I've stayed up until my eyes burned, so I really can't see anything, haha. **

**Enjoy! And don't sue me for a skittles reference! I tasted the rainbow responsibly, I swear!  
**

**

* * *

**

"Your guns transform into an assault rifle?" Lightning asked skeptically, watching Sazh's form from by the fire.

He grinned, polishing the pistols as he spoke, "Yep, it's my fifth ATB animation – whatever that is."

She rolled her eyes, "That's ridiculous overkill."

"Maybe, but that doesn't make it any less cool," he said, smiling as Fang and Vanille approached them.

"Oh yeah, old man?" Fang chimed in, settling down beside Lightning, "Well, my spear transforms into some kind of nunchuck . . thingy." Her face contorted for a second as she blushed at the blunder. She brought a hand to her mouth for a second, debating on whether or not to articulate. She decided against it, seeing the look on Lightning's face.

"Nunchuck thingy?" Light inquired.

Fang gulped. "Yes, nunchuck _thingy._"

"No fair!" she yelled, startling the woman, "All I get to do is flip around and shoot things!"

"Er, sucks for you," the pulsian yawned, covering up for the blunder.

Sazh chuckled, "Heh, come to think of it, our fighting styles are pretty repetitive, huh?" He held his gun up, scrutinizing every inch of the metal. The dim glow of the fire wasn't helping that effort by much. He lowered it into his lap, going back to his previous slow scrubbing motion, "Hell, I'm surprised that none of these damned creatures have learned to dodge our attacks by now."

"Dodge?" Vanille piped up, the flickering firelight rendering her red hair a burnt orange.

"Yeah," Fang nodded, "but you wouldn't know, being a ranged fighter and all. The rest of us just time our attacks right and _poof!_ The enemy misses by a mile!" She laughed, patting the girl on the back, "but don't worry; you're not missin' much."

"But it's not fair!"

* * *

Lightning grunted, "We need money." She looked directly at Fang, pacing around the campsite, as if the entire situation was her fault.

Fang threw her hands in the air, "And what? I suppose you're suggesting that it comes down to me to get this _money?_" She laughed, "Preposterous."

"Well, if you hadn't wasted it all on that ridiculous beating stick of yours and nearly gotten us all killed by the Ochu, we wouldn't be in this situation." She gestured to Hope and Vanille, the latter of which smiled before going back to chewing her lip.

"I did not _waste_ anything! Having a skikkles dispenser is _essential_ to the art of weilding this . . double ended . . spear thingy." She groaned, cursing her lack of vocabulary.

Hope ran his hands through his hair, before frantically covering his butt again. "But what about my pants?" Light glanced from him and back to Fang, as if to ask the same question, wearing her usual expression.

Fang wasn't about to disappoint her after what had happened the night before. Knowing Lightning, she could appear calm on the exterior and be plotting to end your life the hour after, she wasn't stupid enough to piss her off quite yet. With that in mind, she twirled around in that same confident way she always had, grinning. "Well, I suppose we could go out into the steppe and kill some turtles for some trapezohedrons. One of those would sell quite nicely down at the old mall."

Vanille's eyes lit up, "Oh Light! We should go to the mall! It'd be fun!" She stood up, brushing off her bum and bouncing around hopefully.

"You're kidding, right?" Lightning crossed her arms, glaring at Fang, "You realize that any stores around here are more than likely reduced to dust by now, right? Surely you've realized that after running through all these deserted towns, right? _Right?_" Oh, the morbid retardation of it all.

It was at that precise moment that Snow decided to rear his ugly head. "Come on, Light," he said, "A couple side trips couldn't be too bad, huh?" The naïve little smile on his face was enough to make her want to punch him in the face.

"Heh, yeah," Fang agreed, "Besides, back in my day, all the shops were maintained by robots. They're probably still around. Not to mention, all the rogue tin cans running around would scare off all the Cie'th, don't ya think?" She smirked, knowing she'd won.

"Back in your day, we didn't have to put up with you," Sazh said matter of factly.

"Excuse me?" Fang shot back, "I don't remember inviting you to the party, old man. Funny that I can say that about you after being around for five hundred years, huh?" She huffed.

"If recall correctly, there's a lot of things you don't remember, Fang," Light said, wiping her brow, squinting as Cocoon's form seemed to shine brighter by the second. She looked down again, staring intently at the others out of the corner of her eye. Fang sighed. "You're serious."

"Uh-huh," Fang replied, nodding as Vanille squatted in the grass, plucking at the green strands, watching their leader.

"And you just so happen to decide that this is the perfect time for detouring when we actually have an idea of where we need to go?" The pinkette asked, growing increasingly more defeated.

"Damn straight."

"Fang!" Vanille squeaked, hissing so that Hope wouldn't hear, "Not around the kids!"

"Speak for yourself, cutie," She giggled, despite herself, turning to their leader, "But really Light, I'm leaving the decision making up to you. Where to, cupcake?" She added in an extra eyebrow wiggle just for the sake of unnerving the woman.

Lightning sighed for the umpteenth time that night, "Fine, we'll go, but only if this stupid shop can find me a new skirt so you two can stop staring up my shorts."

* * *

_The party crept through the steppe as quietly as possible, hiding in the shadows of the large walls of rock, just in case one of the monsters noticed them. The heavy breathing of several slumbering adamantoises filled the air. Vanille tiptoed through the weeds rather unstealthily behind Lightning and Snow. Fang had offered to trail behind at the rear yet again, just in case any goblins or gorgonopsids decided to sneak up on them. For a while, all was well, but then, something extremely, incredibly, unbelievably stupid happened. Lightning turned around to get a good view of what was going on, only to be greeted by Snow . . singing. _

"_Teenage mutant ninja turtles, teenage mutant ninja turtles, doo-doo dee-dee dat-dada-da!" Snow hummed as the party passed through the flock of sleeping monsters. Lightning glared at him. "Uh, wrong time?" He grinned sheepishly._

_The rocky walls of the steppe were permeated by an angry, inhuman scream, followed by repeated bludgeoning noises and loud stomping. In the span of ten seconds, Snow had managed to doom the entire party, and paid for it.

* * *

_

"Damnit Snow!" Fang yelled, tugging on her hair, "Do you have any idea what Light's gonna do to me if she finds out that her skirt going missing is our fault?" She paced around by the falls, happy that she'd been able to make an excuse to talk to the oaf alone.

The blonde scratched his head, furrowing his brow, "Um . . Well, I mean, she was the one who ripped it, right? We just sorta . . disposed of it before she found out. That's not really all that bad is it?"

"Ugh, you moron," she sighed, "That's like stealing underwear! It's just something you don't do! She's bound to figure out that we did it, and if she doesn't, she'll take it out on all of us."

Snow winced. "Yeah, I see what you mean there . . but where'd you put them?" he asked, watching as she paced back and forth. Sometimes, he really could see the similarities between those two.

"Ugh, am I the only one who sees the reality of things here?" Fang looked at him like he was stupid, yelling, "I gave them to you! What'd ya do with 'em?"

"Uh.. Umm, yeah, about that.."

She paused for a moment, swallowing hard, "Oh Etro, please tell me you didn't give them to Sazh, please."

"Uh, maybe, I sorta kinda did?" he looked down to his enormous boots guiltily.

No response. Fang clutched her temples, shaking her head.

"Um, Fang?"

"Argh! You idiot! This is the last time I trust a man with anything even remotely important!" she shouted, stamping the ground with a growl that would make fal'Cie flinch. The startled giant leaped up and scrambled for cover.

"You're not going to hit me, are you?" Snow asked, having since cowered behind a flower.

After a long silence, Fang let out a loud breath, rubbing her forehead for a second and frowning. "No, but by the time this is over with, you'll probably wish I had put you out of your misery. I just hope we get to the shop before Lightning manages to come up with anything."

"For our sakes, I do too. I like having my man parts in working order, thank you," he said, relieved

She laughed, "I don't think Serah would want those to go missing any time soon. At least, not before we get her back. And anyways, you giving the skirt to Sazh solves one problem, haha." She slapped him on the back with a smile, turning in the direction of camp, "Come on knucklehead, lets go back before Lightning starts to suspect anything, yeah?" She waved him on, already starting down the path.

_Sweet, sweet revenge,_ she thought to herself, rubbing her hands, _It's all coming together. _

"Uh, yeah," he said, slightly dumbfounded, "I'll catch up in a sec."

* * *

"_Psst!"_

_Snow rolled over in his sleep, snoring lightly. He waved a giant hand in the air, trying to swat away whatever it was that was making that horrible noise, when it came again, louder this time._

"_Pssst!"_

_It paused for a moment, poised over him, mussing his bangs and tickling his forehead. He furrowed his brows, tossing himself again, but it refused to stop, now teasing his neck. He groaned and rolled back over, squinting as it again went back to his forehead and appeared to stop for a moment. Thinking quickly, he waited for it to move again, prepared to smack it with a gloved fist. When it was still, he went for it, hand sailing through the air until it caught with a smack, only to hit him in the face. What a discovery, and oh, how it hurt._

"_Snow, you idiot, wake up!" someone hissed, slapping his already painful face._

"_Ugh, what happened?" he grunted, flipping over again, too tired to recognize who it was, at least until he was forcefully slammed onto his back. He opened his eyes to see what was wrong, only to be greeted by an angry woman. "Fang?" he croaked, barely able to register anything, for the fact that a moderately panicked Pulsian was shaking the utter hell out of him._

"_Get up, get up! Hurry!" she ushered, "We don't have time for games; come on you big oaf," she said, jerking him up into a standing position. _

"_Wha?" He leaned against her for support, still not fully awake. She tugged him away to the crash site of the ruined airship nearby, slowly beginning to rust away._

"_Look, I need you to do something for me, okay Snow?" she said, still insistent on jostling him into consciousness._

_Snow nodded, yawning, "Uh-huh."_

"_Wake up!" she yelled, backhanding him._

_He yelped, recoiling, "Ow! What'd you do that for?"_

_She sighed ignoring the question, "Now that I have your attention, do you remember the other day, when you got us all stepped on?" He nodded, wincing at her tone. She continued, "Well, guess what?" She didn't give him time to answer, "Sunshine's over and out is a little on the short side, and if we don't get rid of it, she'll get rid of us!"_

"_Her what?" Snow asked, blinking._

"_You idiot," she growled, "I'm talking about her skirt." She pointed back to camp, where Lightning could be seen sleeping, noticeably far away from Vanille and the others. _

"_Oh.. Well you don't expect me to do it, do you?" Snow blanched at the thought of getting caught taking off Lightning's skirt, when he was engaged to Serah. That would not be pretty._

_She sighed again, "After what happened at the waterfall, you think I can do it? I said that she was pretty, not that I'm a moron."_

"_I . . I guess that's true," he said, looking between guilt and apprehension._

_She sneered, "So you were there!" She'd just found her guilt trip._

"_No! I wasn't!" It was true, but he had the feeling that he wasn't all that convincing. _

"_Well, either way, if you don't find a way to get them, I'll tell her you were," she said, smiling knowingly. All was going according to plan._

"_But you know I can't!" he fretted, pacing, "If she catches me, me and Serah'll never have kids – ever! I can't let that happen!"_

"_Oh, Liiightniiing!" she called, just loud enough to be convincing, but not loud enough for it to be heard, or at least, understood._

"_Wait, wait!" Snow pleaded, practically on his knees, "I'll do it." _

_Fang smiled, nodding with satisfaction, leading him down to the rest of the group. As Lightning's form slowly came into earshot, she whispered, "You sure you wanna do this?"_

"_No," he answered honestly, creeping as quietly as he could manage. Even removing his boots hadn't helped much, a testament to how ridiculously large he was. He gulped, approaching Lightning's apparently unconscious form, unaware that Fang had taken the opportunity to slip away._

"_This is it," he told himself, kneeling next to her as she breathed softly, pink hair waving in the light breeze. He hadn't noticed how utterly tiny she was before. He had to fight a chuckle, as he realized that Serah must've been about two thirds that size, if even that much. He sighed, deciding to slip off his gloves, just in case those would make any unwanted noises, or make him lose his grip._

_Indeed, like Fang'd said, Light's skirt was shorter, almost torn in half, in fact. So that was what Sazh was sniggering about . . funny how no one else seemed to notice. He marveled at his hands. They felt alien without all that rubber around them, and they were so pale! Had he really had them on that long? He wondered, staring at the stark contrast between his browned arms and porcelain paws._

"_Well, no time to waste, I gotta get to work before she wakes up," he muttered, gulping. His hands shook as he gripped the hem of the brown cloth, tugging slowly, deliberately, so as not to actually touch the woman. He'd almost got it started moving, when Lightning made a noise, flipping onto her side. Snow would've screamed, had it not been for his absolute terror. Luckily, she didn't seem to be the slightest bit of aware of him, still snoozing comfortably. He let out a breath, wiping his forehead._

"_That was close. Phew." She stirred again, prompting him to shut up and get back to work, but as he reached out to tug again, another hand stopped him._

"_What do you think you're doing?" Fang hissed, "I didn't mean for you to do it! I meant for you to finish the job after me and Vanille were done, you idiot!" She repressed the urge to hit him, gesturing to Vanille instead, who crept up to Lightning with catlike ease as Fang led Snow away._

_He refrained from watching the affair, deciding it best not to look, surprised when the redhead returned not even a minute later, skirt in hand. She passed it to him, gaining a nod from Fang._

"_What am I supposed to do with these?" He asked, looking down at the morbid scraps of fabric as if they held the keys to his doom, and rightfully so._

* * *

"Okay, twelve trapezohedrons, one particle accelerator, two tetradic tiaras – how much do you think these'll sell for?" Sazh asked, looking to Fang as he and Snow cradled the objects. Lightning glared at them, wanting to know the answer as well.

"Eh, I dunno. Prices change, you know. It's not like these stupid shops on your little fold-out computer over there where everything stays the same," she looked to Light and Vanille, behind her, "but I can assure you, much more than that hardwired hunk of plastic'll pay. She can tell you that much."

Vanille nodded, "Yeah, and it's pretty close too. A couple of hours and some chocobos later, we'll be there!" She bounced energetically, "I can't wait!" Lightning didn't seem to share her sentiments, as the girl took her hand and squeezed. She grimaced.

Sazh grinned, "That's the spirit, girl. Show us the way." He sounded happy, but he avoided pissing off Light.

Fang stood up confidently, "Then it's off to the chocobo farm we go!"

* * *

Lightning dusted herself off as they arrived at their destination, still scowling at Fang from the chocobo riding. Vanille looked between the two, alternating between jealousy at them being together and happiness at the fact that that'd finally made it to the small merchant town past the vast Yacchas Massif, Cie'th and all. Fang just smirked. Everything was coming together – everything, down to the letter. It was a great feeling.

"_Well, princess, don't just stand there, mount up!" Fang said, scooting back on the chocobo and patting the feathered space in front of her. _

_Lightning stared up at her defiantly from below, "How do I know I can trust you, riding one of these things?" she asked, much to the yellow beast's chagrin._

"_What's not to trust?" Fang asked, grinning slyly. She started to speak, but a rather miffed 'kweh' interrupted her._

_Out of the corner of her eye, Lightning could see the others getting up on their respective birds, Vanille and Hope on a rather small one, with a short, wild looking tail and big eyes, Sazh and Snow on separate steeds, both large and equally wide eyes. She squinted, deciding not to answer as she hopped on the fuzzy animal. "Don't try anything funny, you hear me?" She spat, glaring. Fang smirked._

"Where to first, Light?" Fang asked luringly, standing behind her.

She sighed, frowning, "Wherever I can get a pair of shorts."

"Ah, well that'd be right up there," she replied, pointing directly ahead, to a tower-like building, leaning into another structure, looking as if it were about to collapse.

"You've got to be kidding. If we die, I'm paying you back for this when we get to hell – especially the ride over here, got that?"

"Sure thing, muff-bug, sure thing."

* * *

**And as of now, that's the end.**

**To be continued... R&R's would be appreciated muchly!  
**


	7. Novelty among Nuisances

**Hi all, yet another chapter for you all. Pardon any errors. I went over it three times, so you can't say I didn't try, lol.**

**Enjoy!

* * *

**

"What is _this?__"_ Lightning asked, fuming. In her hand, she held a pair of pink hot pants, spandex, adorned with cute little cherries and monkeys. Her face was _priceless._

Fang sniggered, "Well, love-bug, you did ask for a pair of shorts, you know. It's your doing," she said, sifting through another rack in the apparently deserted building. One of the few non-rogue robotic clerks lay nearby, forcefully dismantled. No one dared to keep Fang from her looting, ever.

"Ugh, well take them back," she spat, throwing them at her, "You know what I meant, and stop giving me nicknames. It's . . _embarrassing."_

The woman smiled, taking the shorts from their resting place on her head and tucking them into a fold on her belt. "Changing our mind again, banana boo?" she asked, tipping her head back in the soldier's direction, ignoring her last statement entirely. "My my, we _are_ quite flustered today, aren't we?" she cooed, still flipping nonchalantly.

"Just find me a skirt before I find yet _another _reason to want to kill you," she ordered, tapping her foot as usual.

"Feisty, feisty, feisty," the pulsian mumbled, grinning, "So I was right, back in Mahabara. Pfft, come on then, soldier girl. Lets go get you a pacifier." She chuckled, turning in the direction of an old, battered set of marble steps. Lightning followed grudgingly.

As they reached the top, Lightning asked, "You _are_ sure this place is safe, right?"

Fang laughed, still walking ahead, "I'm sure it's fine. We haven't come across a single monster yet, and I haven't heard anything about Sazh's hair. I'm pretty damn sure that we can relax," she assured, sidestepping an old box, its beaten form spilling out cargo, plastic cartridges strewn about the floor.

Lightning paused, apprehensive, "You ever think there might be a reason for that?"

Of course, Fang dismissed it with a wave, "Believe me, if there was a reason, it wouldn't matter anyway. Have you _seen _the way we work together?" she asked, feeling confident, "If anything down here tried to make a problem, it'd be a dead problem. Knock on wood." She tapped her forehead, gloating. A loud crashing noise went off in the distance, reverberating – almost like a gunshot. It sounded off again, and again, and again. Then another noise – like a grenade.

Lightning's hand instantly went for her gunblade. "You wanna test that logic?"

Fang looked back to see the most visibly shaken look she'd ever seen on her. She covered it up quickly, however. Fang opened her mouth, then shrugged.

"I thought you said this place was safe," Lightning said, glowering, "Unbelievable, as usual."

"I thought so too," she said casually, looking in the direction of the sound, "It's probably just some robots squabbling over a few screws loose is all," she added, not half as concerned as she probably should have been, "but if you want to check it out, it's up to you." She tilted her head up, waiting on a confirmation. Another explosion went off, jarring a little dirt from the ceiling. A loose panel fell down across the enormous, white room.

"Lead the way."

"Tryin' to kill me off, huh?" she laughed, "I see how it is."

* * *

"Kyah!" A battle cry sounded, ringing across the crowded junk-room turned arena. Bolts and iron appendages flew left and right, dancing in the fiery blasts formed by the eager combatants.

"What in hell's name have you gotten us into this time?" Lightning shouted, crouched behind a half destroyed file cabinet, narrowly avoiding what would've been a deathblow from a metal carcass sailing through the air.

Fang retorted, ducking behind an impromptu barricade, consisting of a table and some lawn chairs, "What are you talking about? Me? You're the one who said we should go!" She peeked over the defenses, dropping down again, just in time for a severed head to _ping!_ off the side of one of the aluminum chair-legs and land between her legs, squirming. Spooked, she flung the thing in the first direction that came to mind, which just so happened to be at Lightning.

"Ack!" The other woman squeaked, as the thing soared over her head and hit the ceiling. "Fang, you moron, that could've killed me!" she yelled, peeping around the corner to see if anything was threatening to crash into her before she did what she was about to do. Seeing as the coast was relatively clear, she began her crawl towards the pulsian.

"Taste the freakin' rainbow!" the warrior at the heart of the commotion yelled, twirling two tonfa in a blur of ridiculous, graceful precision – a strange individual indeed, and apparently, the only one still around on Pulse – two surprises in one! Surrounded on all sides by machines, she spun around, unleashing a flurry of blows and at last, launching a single target into the air and blasting it to pieces with one, powerful thrust. The sight was truly remarkable. Its ruined husk pounded against the back of a certain file cabinet and exploded, sending it toppling over as she began the process again.

Lightning groaned in pain. Something had landed on her leg. She couldn't move. "Agh, Fang, a little help here!" she yelled, hissing with the agony the effort caused. _It could be worse, _she thought.

"Why should I help?" Fang asked incredulously, "So you can choke me to death, or so I can get myself killed in the process?" She gestured to the chaos around her.

"Just do something! I can't fight like this!" the woman ordered, quickly growing irritated. She jumped a little when Fang tossed her something slim and purple-ish. It was the phone from back in Palum Polum. Would it still work?

Fang sighed and wiped her forehead, before whipping out her spear. "Call the others," she said, before charging into the mess.

Lightning sighed. "Well, at least it's not me doing all the fighting this time," she grumbled to herself, opening it and dialing. She put the phone to her ear.

* * *

Snow's communicator buzzed in his pocket. He raised an eyebrow before putting down the t-shirt in his hands and bringing the plastic device to his ear. "What's up?" he asked casually, keeping an eye on Vanille behind him, who was currently trying to cram into a purple teddy-bear suit with a rainbow across the stomach. Hope and Sazh had split from them about an hour or so ago.

The phone crackled loudly – yelling. Snow tilted his head away for a second wincing.

"What?" The giant scrunched his eyebrows together, as if in disbelief.

Another crackle, this time, louder.

He sighed, "Geez, well you don't have to yell about it. I'm sure you'll be fine." A pause, more crackling. "Oh. In that case, me and Vanille'll be there before you can say . . uh, a big word. Heroes are fast like that, yeah!" He grinned sheepishly, then paused again. "Wait, hold on a second, someone's beeping in."

_beep._

* * *

Lightning slammed the phone down on the ground. No answer.

"Damnit!" she roared, "_SNOW!"_

And so, our damsel in distress resolved to try again.

* * *

"Beeping in?" Sazh asked, "Who could that possibly be?" He patted his outrageous hairdo in thought, looking between a pair of dark khaki and black pants. Hope had already picked out a pile of clothes to try on, and was currently climbing into the center of a clothing rack, giggling like a certain cute, chocobo obsessed afro-boy as he did so.

"I dunno, lemme just press the ignore button again. Just a sec," the blonde answered. A beep came over the line, and he continued, "Sorry about that. It happens all the time. Now what were you saying about a pair of leggings?"

The man sighed, "Snow, I'm worried about our boy over here. He's wearing a pair of leotards with 'Hello Kitty' in pink letters down the sides and I'm afraid he just might be trying to cut a flap in the back."

Silence, a few beeping noises as Snow pushed buttons on the other end.

"What? I'm sorry, someone just keeps calling back and it's really hard to hear," Snow replied after a few seconds, "So wait, you're saying that Hope's humping a pair of leotards with letters on his sides and trying to put a flag in his ass? … Sounds like some kind of weird Pulsian marriage rite. Come to think of it, I think Fang and Vanille do it all the time!" Loud thumping noises. "Ow! Vanille, I didn't know! I didn't know!"

Sazh blanched as the realization finally dawned on him. "Er, Snow?"

"Yeah?"

"Erm . . As much as I'd like to laugh at what you just said, I think that was Lightning.." He coughed. Hope froze at the mention of Lightning, one leg over the side of a row of hangers, the other on a post, leotards in hand. As Sazh coughed, he lost his balance, promptly falling on the bar – metal where the sun didn't shine – not a good feeling.

"You know what that means." Snow gulped.

Sazh sighed, watching Hope roll on the ground in pain, "Boy, you went and did it again.. Yup."

A long pause.

Suddenly, Snow gasped, "She's beeping in again!"

"Don't answer!" Sazh said quickly, "No conference call! Don't do it!"

"B-but-"

"No buts mister," Sazh chasitsed, "Do you have any idea how long that'll take if she wants to lecture you? Look what you've done to Hope!" He yelled, "Now go up there and find those crazy lesbians!"

"But Lightning's straight!" Snow yelped.

Sazh shook his head, "Oh no, that's what she wants you to think, my friend," he said in a matter of fact tone, "but somewhere, deep down inside, down in the deep, dark, damp depths of an elevator, next to Fang and Vanille, that woman is as queer as a cat on the wall and you know it. Now you go up there and find that closet case, damnit!"

"No way!" Snow hissed, "Are you kidding me? I'm not going up there unless you agree to back me up, alright?"

Sazh groaned, knowing where this was leading, but there was nothing else he could do really. "Fine," he said, rubbing his temple, "but if I get punched in the face, you're gonna have to adopt your children, understand?"

"Uh, sure.."

Sazh sighed. Sometimes, people were just idiots. Didn't he know that the airtime cost for these things went on _his_ tab? … Oh well, it probably wouldn't matter, since they were l'Cie and all, and most likely would never see semi-coherent life again, he and Vanille somewhat excluded.

"And by the way, you said 'deep' twice."

* * *

Lightning growled, glaring at Fang and the stranger hovering over her.

"You feelin' alright down there?" the other girl – or at least it appeared to be a girl – asked in the ambiguous cockney accent that seemed to be common among Pulse-born people. She was tall, broad-backed, and built like a behemoth - a sight was almost reminiscent of Snow, despite the obvious intelligence gap between the two. Lightning cringed a bit as she realized this.

A wily mess of short, sunny locks sprouted from her head in all directions, waving around as she stood in front of the pinkette, hands on hips as her face scrunched up slightly and returned to normal. Fang did the same, going between looking at Lightning and eying the strange necklaces the mystery girl wore, laden with everything from keys to bolts, rings, and even square-headed nails. They jingled as she stood up again going to the offending cabinet, resting on Lightning's toned calf muscle.

"What's the prognosis, doc?" Fang asked, meeting her bright – almost too bright - blue eyes.

The strange girl laughed quietly, opposed to her rough speech, "Prognosis?" she chuckled, "You act as if I'm some sort of deranged doctor." She smiled and continued, waving her hand in a distinctly Fang-like gesture, "Pfft, she'll be fine. All you gotta do is heft this damn thing up and cast a cure spell or two on her for the pain. It's not rocket science." She laughed to herself again, "Though that's actually pretty easy."

Fang gawked at her. Rocket science? Easy? That was something she couldn't believe. Then she spotted something – the tips of a l'Cie brand, almost hidden by a bandage around her ankle - grey. Just how long had this girl been here? Since her stasis? The girl lifted up the cabinet like a child's plaything, sighing as she tossed it a bit to the side.

_Impressive,_ Fang thought to herself, watching as Lightning drew in her injured leg as soon as it was free, and she said so too, "but," she added, "Can you crawl as well as you walk?" She grimaced; that wasn't what she'd meant to say. Damnable muscle girls – couldn't they stop distracting her long enough for her to think?

"Of course," the girl said, "Though I wasn't aware that I was walking in the first place. Unless you mean physically, I suppose." She paused, kneeling beside Lightning to assess her injuries. "Why do you ask?" She looked up with an almost hopeful expression, before returning to Lightning's battered leg. It was already beginning to bruise.

"Oh, no reason," Fang huffed, running a hand along her spear, "I just don't quite trust you yet, is all."

She gave a grunt, and tensed for a moment before concentrating her energies into Lightning's leg. A light green aura pulsated from her hands, illuminating the leg. Lightning flinched, but made no sound as Fang looked on. The taller Pulsian gave a second grunt and leaned back for a moment as she inspected her work, glancing at Lightning for approval. Fang could have sworn she'd squinted at something, somewhere along the line. Lightning felt of her leg and nodded to her accordingly, making a move to stand. A tanned hand stopped her. It's occupant chewed her lip for a moment, giving her one last look over, before pausing at her face. "Wait a second," she said, leaving no room for disobedience.

"Nn?" Lightning asked wordlessly, confused, as a finger traced down from her hairline to a spot above her brow. It stung violently, but she didn't let it show.

The other girl grunted a second time, and Lightning felt the stinging lessen a bit. She smiled, an apology for the pain, Lightning supposed, watching her stand again, offering her hand. Surprisingly, Lightning took it, an unspoken thanks at the relief. Fang raised a brow, chuckling silently into her hand.

* * *

"So, what's your story?" Lightning asked, leaning back against the very cabinet that had landed on her earlier. Fang had set out some chairs for the others after they came in and was now watching contently, waiting on the answer.

"My story?" she laughed, "I've been here for so long, I wonder if I can remember for myself." She crossed her legs, resting on her elbow in her spot against the wall, "I've been here for centuries. I was born over that mountain," she pointed back in the direction of the Steppe and gestured to her brand, "by Titan's throne, if I recall correctly. My family worked in the Haeri archaeopolis. Of course, then, it wasn't called that." She sighed, "You six are the first people I've seen since . . I don't remember." She frowned for a moment, but quickly returned to normal. "So, there's your answer, Light."

Lightning gasped at the mention of her name, but grunted in acknowledgment.

She laughed, "And oh, I forgot to introduce myself. Pardon me." She ran a hand through her locks, straightening up, "The name's Haeri Sun Hikaru, but you can just call me Sun." The girl sighed, adding, "Glad that's over," under her breath. "So, what else do you want to know?"

Hope raised a hand, waving it around frantically. After a few seconds, Sun obliged.

"What?"

Hope snapped his hand down to his side, coughing. "Um, this might sound weird, but what's your outlook on life?" he asked, anxious.

_You like this one too?_ Sazh wondered, chuckling.

"Hmm.. Well, some say to strike when the iron's hot," she paused, "Others talk of life in terms of stoking a great fire," another pause, and several increasingly condescending glances from the group, "but _I _say, why bother with fire when you can take yourself a lightning rod, point it to the sky, and have yourself a fourth of July party!"

The others gawked in unison, "Fourth of July?"

She sighed, "It's a holiday. People in Haeri celebrated it every year – lots of fireworks!" She made big, swooping gestures. She definitely was the type to like explosions. Hope would be right up her alley, if you asked Sazh.

"How quaint," Fang remarked, but gave a fond laugh nonetheless, "I remember those. So barbaric – I liked it!"

Vanille nodded, clutching her stomach with laughter.

When the chuckles died down a bit, Snow asked, "So wait, they wished on the fireworks like us, right?" He looked to Vanille and Fang.

Sun shrugged. "I didn't. I knew some others who did, but I always wished on stars. In fact, just yesterday, I made a wish," she said, "and I'm happy to say that it came true."

"Oh," he replied, rubbing the back of his head, "What was it?"

"I wished for some company," she said, trying to hold back a fit of giggles, "Eidolons don't exactly make for good conversationalists, you know." She pulled out a white crystal grinning, "After a week of having this guy around, I was already bored senseless. He's such a bonehead!" The crystal changed colors as she giggled, seemingly sentient, even in that form. The others fingered their own crystals reflexively as she went on. "So, any more questions?" She glanced around, kicking a pebble.

"Did everyone else on Pulse talk like that?" Sazh asked.

"Like what?" the three Pulsians spoke in unison.

He sighed, "Uh, what's the word . . . Aussie?" He said finally, hoping they'd understand.

Fang palmed her forehead. "Ah, I should've known," she answered for the other two, "Do we talk the same? Oh no, not at all, if you count the country folk, like Vanille of course. Most'a them just faked it. Their real accent is more like what you'd call _Americans,_ that is, if you read fiction and whatnot. Some folk talked with _Indian _accents though. Those were mostly just the comedians."

"So true," Sun agreed, "Anything else?"

Vanille opened her mouth to speak, but was immediately silenced, as if the other knew exactly what was on her mind.

"No, Vanille, I most certainly am not an expy of Kisuke Urahara . . or Yoruichi . . or Fred."

"But I was wondering, are y-"

"No, I'm also not related to Lightning, or you, or Fang, or anyone else, paradoxes aside, though I'd certainly like to be," she said, sighing, "Any _other_ questions?" She looked pointedly at Lightning.

The pinkette sighed in kind and asked, "How did you know . . our names?" She said the last part after glancing at the others, as if she'd almost forgotten that Fang and Vanille had been called out as well.

"Eh, it's just something I happen to know, is all. Random chance, nothing more," she shrugged once again and returned to her normal demeanor, "but I'm pretty sure there's a time machine lying around here somewhere, if you guys are willing to help me fix it."

"You're kidding, right?" Snow asked.

She laughed, "I'm practically insane. Do you _think_ that I'm kidding?"

Fang smirked, "Well, that would solve our little wardrobe malfunction, I suppose." She glanced at Lightning, choking back a laugh.

Lightning glared at her and looked back, "We'll do whatever it takes."

* * *

**To be continued... What happens in the next chapter, nobody knows! Really, not even me, even though I keep trying to get around to writing out a plot... and whatever happened to that GPS that everyone was going on about? I mean seriously! Ack, what am I talking about. It'll probably turn up in some sort of shower scene, so you guys should be alright for a while, if I'm not mistaken.  
**

**Also, in response to a couple unsigned reviews, you guys should make accounts so I can respond to your reviews! *_***

**Cheers!  
**


	8. Toilets and Banana Peels

**Hi all, just another chapter that I managed to complete. I'm late, as usual. I expected to have this posted yesterday. My apologies. It's a bit shorter than what I usually go for. Anyway, if there are any formatting problems or improvements to be made, please, don't hesitate to tell me. :)  
**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"So wait a second.. You're telling me that you've been here since when?" Sazh asked, rummaging through a pile of junk beside Snow and Fang. Lightning was absent from the group, having taken the first opportunity she had to get away from them. She was currently headed up to the next floor with Hope and Vanille, leaving him out of harms way, at least temporarily. Fang, of course, had come along for her own reasons, reasons specifically concerning a certain tome tossing, panty harboring hooligan, otherwise known as Sazh.

She kicked a box over, moaning and blowing the stray strands of hair from her forehead. "For the trillionth time, I'm telling you she's not into you, Sazh," she said, "Playin' twenty questions ain't gonna change that, my friend."

Snow laughed, sharing a glance with Sun, who was shrugging as she sifted through a mountain of metal scraps. She smiled, "That's not entirely true. I don't mind a bro with a fro, so long as he knows not to cross the line." She laughed and sat back, "I'm just a little too committed for all that nonsense at the moment." She burst into a fit of giggles and went back to digging, sending a small rectangular prism clattering to the linoleum as she went back to muttering about spare parts. Shiny film looped around it on the white tile.

Snow guffawed, slapping his thigh, "Committed? To who?"

"Oh, no one important, really," she replied, still sifting. "Wanna see a picture?" she offered, pausing as she stood up. Her hand went into the waistband of her trousers, twisting about before coming out with a slip of what appeared to be plastic. She held it out, grinning like a cat that just ate the canary.

Snow took it gingerly, squinting at it. Sun stepped over next to him, looking at it as well. After a few seconds, he looked at her and asked, "Is that . . Lightning?"

"What? No, can't you see the hair?" she said, "That's totally not Lightning." She pointed to a spot on the little card as Sazh came up, examining it long and hard.

He chuckled, "Not bad, but what's with the tape over the top half?" he asked, "Got something to hide under there, little lady?"

At this, Snow practically spit laughing.

Fang furrowed her brow. _Something to hide? That'd mean that she'd be naked... Lightning? Nude? Picture? _She shook her head. _Damn, I need to get my revenge before it drives me insane. _She sighed, waltzing over to the trio.

"Give me that," she said, snatching it out of Snow's gloved hand, smirking, until she actually saw the picture. "What the? This isn't a naked picture of Sunshine! Gah!" She took one last look at the thing and slapped it back into his hand, stomping off to where she had been before. "Damn Sazh, getting my hopes up like that. And to think that I was finally gonna have some dirt on that lady." She huffed.

"What's gotten into her?" Sun asked, leaning over close to Sazh's afro so she wouldn't hear, "I could almost swear she's disappointed." She giggled slightly, "Who wouldn't be, with a hottie like . . what did she call her again? . . Eh, oh well. But really, what's up with that?" She cocked an eyebrow up high, smirking. All in all, it made for a strange look, coupled with the mild confusion floating around everywhere.

Sazh shrugged, "Hell if I know, but if she's anything like Lightning, I don't think I want to know." He glanced both ways before continuing, "I've seen enough lesbianism in the last week for one lifetime; I don't want to have to resort to it for the rest of another one over a PMS moment."

Sun laughed, "Hah, I can't say I blame you." She turned back to Snow, watching Fang sulk from the corner of her eye.

Fang grumbled, looking to the ceiling. _Lightning? That couldn't possibly be her, _she thought, remembering the stark, angry form that had only just finished boring holes through her skull in that photograph, moments ago. _It can't be, _she reasoned, _Her hair – it's like a bloody damn fire hydrant or something! The eyes – greener than the damn grass! There's no way!_

She buried her face in her hands, listening as the others swooned over the picture and beating her brain for an answer. _How could it be Lightning? _She asked herself, wracking her mind for some sort of confirmation, some sort of data that would prove a point. She growled. _It's not possible! How could Sun have a picture of someone she's never even met, much less be committed to them? . . . But that face.. _She shuddered, feeling that piercing gaze on her once again. Even in a photograph, it was a borderline anxiety attack waiting to happen.

_With a glare like that, who else could it possibly be? _She groaned, rubbing her throbbing temples. _It's not her. It can't be. It has to be-_

"Averia," Sun stated plainly, taken with affection.

"What?" Sazh asked, looking up from the photo. Snow mirrored him, doing the same.

"Her name – Averia," she said, glancing back to Fang, smiling, "You were right." She laughed, watching the awe spread across the woman's face. "You were _right."

* * *

_

An hour had passed with no time machine to be found. Lightning, Hope, and Vanille had been climbing stairs for quite some time. Vanille sighed, watching their leaders short-clad rear bobbing up and down as she ascended step after step, graceful as always.

"Lightning, how much longer?" she asked, panting. Hope slowed down to a stop behind her, leaning against a rusted railing.

Lightning paused and turned around, letting out a breath. "I don't know," she answered finally, mentally adding, _And you two staring at my butt for the past hour hasn't really helped my case much, you know. _She shook her head slightly, "Why? Do you think we should turn back?"

The silence, combined with their expressions served as an unspoken agreement. _Yes. _Hope nodded, settling into a sitting position as he spoke, "Or maybe wait until the others catch up." He looked up, hoping for Lightning's approval.

"Un," she nodded, "I'll go get them." She started off down the stairs, but stopped and turned back to them. "Stay where you are." And with that, she was gone, leaving Hope and Vanille all alone as her footsteps echoed in the space, before fading and ultimately disappearing entirely.

"Sooo..." Hope sighed, fiddling with his new pair of pants, anxious for conversation.

"So what?" Vanille asked, smoothing out her butt-cape as she sat down a couple stairs from him. "You wanna play a game?" She leaned forward, hands on her knees.

Hope gulped. "Erm.. What kind of game?" He glanced up at her, slightly nervous, waiting expectantly.

She laughed, "Oh, I dunno, you tell me."

"But I don't know any games, Vanille," he said, fretting as she drew slightly closer to him.

"Then let me show you!" she peeped, standing up in some sort of twirling dance move that he couldn't quite understand, and quite frankly was too distracted to try.

"Uh, Vanille?" He said, squirming and redfaced.

"Uh-huh?" she looked down, grinning and blissfully oblivious to the fact that she'd practically shoved her crotch into his face in that one simple movement.

He whimpered. "Er, could you just, you know, maybe back up a little?" he asked, trying not to look up, "Your.. uh, yeah … is in my face."

"Oh," she gasped, "Sorry about that." She looked down. "Um, Hope, that square thing on the left side of your pants is back. Is that your diary again?"

* * *

"Pff, I don't know what you're talking about," Fang mumbled, shooing Snow away as she paced about. She cocked her head to the stairwell as footsteps rang out in the building. She sighed, "Don't tell me, it's Lighting." She exhaled a second time as the pink-haired soldier approached her from behind. "What is it now, princess?" she asked, hands on hips and looking prissy.

Lightning cocked an eyebrow at the odd behavior, but ignored it for the most part, deciding to play along. "What crawled up your ass and died?" she asked, pausing and savoring the glare she got for that statement. She decided to answer her question for the sake of being nice. "Hope and Vanille are on the stairs. If I were you, I wouldn't be so keen on leaving those two alone for very long," she said, walking off.

Fang's mouth gaped. "So that's it? You're just gonna leave me here like that?" She yelled after her, watching her go.

Lightning's mouth quirked into a smile. "Nope, you're going to leave me," she responded, choking back a laugh. "Guess you're just gonna have to grin and bear it, huh?" She gave in, using the woman's own words against her.

Fang groaned and started up the stairs. It was going to be a long day. Oh, well, she reasoned, it'd just be more time to work on planning that revenge of hers. Hell, if she were lucky, maybe Sazh'd get what was coming to him after she left. Too bad she wouldn't get to relish in it until after the fact. Snow'd probably get it on camera anyways, knowing him.

* * *

"Hope, get back here!" Fang yelled, "That is _not _a toy!" She chased after the boy, dashing through the junk heaps like a mad woman.

Hope giggled in a high pitched voice, running for his life. He'd never imagined that life threatening situations could be so fun before! He yelled back, "Apparently you thought it was," he gasped, "back in the tower!" He gasped again and sped up as Fang skittered to the ground behind him, grabbing a trashcan lid. Talking had slowed him down. She'd gained at least two yards on him. He hopped up onto another pile, blowing through it like it was nothing. "Changed your mind already?" he shouted, turning around to see her face, just in time to watch the lid sail over his head, scarcely missing by an inch.

Fang's response was a roar, as she sprinted in his direction.

"Missed me!" he taunted, darting off again.

Fang screamed in exasperation. "Damn you midget bastards!"

"Hey!" Vanille cooed, pouting as she followed behind.

"Agh," Fang rolled her eyes, "You know what I meant!"

* * *

"Hey, Snow." Light said, halting her pace as she watched Sazh and Sun's digging from afar. She toyed with the fringe of her shorts seemingly absentmindedly. Snow gulped.

"Uh, y-yeah?" He jumped up from his seat on the floor, nervous.

She raised an eyebrow, but pretended not to notice it. "You know, someone should probably be checking on the others right about now," she said casually, swaying back and forth.

"Uh, sure, yeah. S-someone should totally do that.. Uh," he stood up, "I mean, yeah.. If it's alright with you, I think I'll just go now, hahah." He turned to leave in a hurry, but was stopped by a tug on his coat.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked, suspicion and venom mixing together with veiled lethality. Snow's heart leaped into his throat as she tugged just a bit harder. "I never said _who _should do it. Why the rush? Unless you have something to hide, that is." She sneered, shoving him forward and releasing the garment.

Snow stumbled, tripping over his feet. "Who, me? Oh, no rush, really," he said, lying. "It's just that someone's gotta look after 'em, uh, you know.. and stuff." The last words caught in his throat as she glared at him. He blinked. "Uh, Light? You're not going to hit me, are you?" He put his hands up in defense, shaking. He still had bruises from the last time that happened. All the while, there was only one thought on his mind. He cringed. _Man, I gotta get outta here!_

"Oh no, not yet.. If you give me my skirt back, that is. Fang's taste in lingerie doesn't exactly do it for me," she said, pulling out a frilly skirt, pink, with ruffles and lace. "She said it matched my hair," she frowned, "and besides, since you took something from me, I decided I'd take something from you," she said, savoring the way he was cowering in front of her. She waved a pair of familiar gloves in his face, before vaporizing them. "Guess the ladies'll be seeing a little more of those tan-lines of yours, huh, Snow?"

"What?" His eyes went wide as he looked from her hands to his own, "but how did you know it was – but I didn't – I ..." He stuttered, trailing off. "Why me?" He gulped, preparing for a beating.

Lightning just smiled, leering, "Oh, I know, you thought you'd just clomp over, make off with my dignity, and get away scot-free, yes, but I know what's really going on," she began tapping her foot frantically as she spoke, staring him down, "This is all her doing, isn't it?" she asked, raving, "She hypnotized you and that little ranga into cohoots with eachother, didn't she?" She giggled, now directly in front of him, shaking him like a rag-doll. "Didn't she?" She laughed maniacally, "And then you, you hopeless excuse for a male cheerleader, you called the midget to do what you couldn't, and you had that lesberado behind it all, pulling the strings. Didn't you?" she asked, almost frothing at the mouth. "Didn't you? Didn't she? Didn't I?" She repeated the last part repeatedly, gradually growing weaker, until finally, she just hung off of him, sagging and mumbling in a drooling heap.

"Has she lost her mind?" Sazh asked, watching with a more than slightly disturbed expression.

Sun shrugged. "Eh, not quite yet, I don't believe," she said, "but you know how it is with these ladies – got their minds with one foot in the toilet and the other on a banana peel, just waiting for that one flush to send them on down to loonyville," she laughed, "kind of like me!" She slapped him on the back, "C'mon now, it ain't healthy to stare, you know. It's probably best to leave those two alone for a while. I know these things, you know. I'm a doctor."

Lightning suddenly screeched, "But you said you weren't a doctor!"

Sazh groaned and shook his head, "Erm.. I'll take your word for it then."

* * *

**To be continued... I hope. Reviews would be appreciated very muchly, but aren't necessary. I just like to be encouraged every once in a while. Speaking of which, I give my thanks to those of you that have reviewed so far. You guys have kept me going! ;b**

**Cheers!  
**


	9. To Piss the Pants

Hey all, just another chapter. Sorry it took so long!

* * *

According to Lightning, and apparently, Hope, after he'd plagiarizing her for the past month and a half and rediscovering his ego, there are some things in life, you just do. Ordinarily, that wouldn't be much of a concern to a certain airship pilot, packing a pocket full of pantaloons, or rather, personal items regarding a certain soldier, but on the other hand, there are some things you just _don't,_ and at the moment, Sazh was in the process of discovering the latter.

"Hey, I found it!" A cry of joy resonated throughout the room. Finally, after countless hours of searching, the strange Pulsian had managed to uncover her hailed time machine. "C'mon, help me pull it out!" she yelled, yanking repeatedly on what appeared to be a sheet of tin with rabid tenacity. Snow joined the struggle, having been only a few feet away at the time of discovery.

"What is this thing?" Snow asked, grunting as he hauled back with all his might. It wouldn't budge, even with his brute strength behind it, an odd occurrence, to say the least.

Lightning looked on with a skeptical brow. "You're sure this is the answer to all our problems?" she inquired with a hint of condescendence in her voice.

"Oh, I'm sure," Sun replied, appearing ecstatic and foaming just a bit at the mouth, "Once we fire this baby up, it's pip-pip cheerio and in the box you go!"

Sazh blinked, not knowing whether the foam was from the strain, or just plain insanity. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, gulping. No answer.

Lightning sighed, "Sazh, if there's one thing I've learned from being around Fang and Vanille, you never trust a lady with an accent. This thing is probably going to explode and kill us as soon as it turns on."

She was right.

"So I suppose I don't trust you either?" the furiously tugging Pulsian asked, jerking frantically.

No response, only a glare.

Still giggling maniacally, Sun added, "You know, if I weren't entirely sure that I was completely lacking sanity, I'd get that skirt back for you, myself. It's all in the jacket, you know." She continued laughing as both Snow and Sazh blanched.

No response.

_I have got to get rid of this thing,_ Sazh thought, hand cradling his pocket loosely.

* * *

"Urgh, just a few more turns and it'll be done," the girl grunted, setting up hunks of metal and screwing components in. "Now, if this works like it did twenty years ago, when we get finished, you can .. well, go back in time and snatch those breeches of yours." She stepped back as another tubule slipped into place, panting, and looked back to Lightning, "Of course, that's probably what's already happened in the first place... Oh well," she digressed, "Whatever happens, Light, I assure you, it's absolutely _imperative_ that you do _not_ meet up with your past .. er, selves – should be pretty explanatory."

Fang hummed and stood up from her place on the ground, leaving Vanille to play with her little pouch. "You've been here twenty years?" she asked.

"I don't think that's the poi-" Lightning was interrupted by a shush from Fang, and she sighed, mumbling to herself.

Sun laughed, "Yup, sure have, probably more than that. Maybe a few centuries, give or take."

At this, Lightning's jaw dropped a bit and Fang went quiet. "But how?" The pinkette asked, brows furrowing. Even Hope and Vanille had glanced up, and Snow and Sazh would have too, had they not been out hunting for food and extra components. Some paraffin oil was still required to get the machine going, after all, and as the obscenely un-aged maniac had pointed out, there were probably more than a few loose screws at work, and in more places than just her head.

A laugh. "I've been a l'Cie longer than that giant pinprick's been up there, I'll tell you that much, heh." She gestured to the sky, which was obscured by a dirty window by the wall, yet still afforded a nice view of Cocoon's form over the mountains.

"Er, that's quite a while – explains the brand," Fang remarked, glancing outside. "But how are you not a Cie'th by now?" The room went dead silent as the woman walked around, all attention seeming to hinge on the answer to this query.

"Good question," she replied, "All I know is that since I've been staying here and this thing," she pointed to her ankle, "got all screwy with me, I haven't aged a day. Quite convenient, it is." She shrugged. "Still, I'm about as clueless as you are to this." For what seemed like the thousandth time, she sat down. "And I see you've killed my only company around here, to top that off." A sigh, "Guess I'll just have to rebuild them again."

"Er, about that.." Fang made a move to pull at a non-existent collar. "Those were your friends?"

She nodded.

"Oh.. Sorry about that."

"No matter, I'll have 'em fixed in a jiffy," she said in a decidedly Vanille-esque manner as she hopped up and went back to work on the machine. "But if you don't mind, I need a couple turbojets. See if you can't find me some, neh?"

"Sure thing."

* * *

Fang burst into a fit of giggles, watching Vanille roll about the tile floor in a hiccuping frenzy.

"Lightning, you're _gay."_ The room reverberated with a cacophony of raucous laughter.

"I am not," Lightning groaned for the umpteenth time in the last minute and a half, sighing and folding her arms in her lap. Over the course of their stumblings for the last component to the accursed overgrown toaster that the others insisted on trying to put together, Fang had literally thrown herself into a wine shop and come out with the ginger in tow, she arm in arm with liquor, and Vanille with bottles up to her armpits. Hours had passed since then, and Lightning, in all her misfortune, was alone with them, and sad to be sober. The fumes of the stuff were enough to make that obvious.

"You are _so _gay," Vanille repeated, as she had been since managing to get herself a good few rounds in, only making the effort to cease her rolling tirade of hiccups long enough to down another few swigs of red liquid, which she clearly didn't need. "Sweet," she slurred as she popped another cork, tipping her head back for another good gulp as Lightning rolled her eyes, watching her lay back again.

"Shut up, Vanille, you're not even legal yet!" Fang yelled boisterously from behind, waving her half-empty bottle of booze around in the air.

Lightning sighed, eager for the two to sober up so they could move on. "Charming," she grumbled, sarcastically, of course.

Vanille rolled around on the floor obliviously next to her, pointing and giggling. "Haha, your name is _Claire._" She slapped the floor. "You're Claire – _Claire!" _The yelling seemed to sate her even more as she took another swig, flopping over and repeating again.

"And the two of _you_ are morons," Lightning droned.

The red-head sat up again with a surprised yelp, "What?" She leaned forward against the long, thin bottle in her hands, oblivious to Lightning's rising eyebrows. "So you mean this _isn't _sake?" she questioned incredulously.

Fang once again burst into laughter, falling back onto a box in the revelry, "The hell it is!" She rocked back and forth, slapping her knee, "Gin and tonic, just how I like it!" She let out a refreshed sigh after draining the bottle, not fully aware of the look of betrayal on Vanille's face until it was far too late.

* * *

Lightning grumbled as her communicator buzzed in her pouch. She sighed, wrenching it out of the leather pocket and bringing it to her ear as the other two women continued to squabble in increasingly compromising positions over the alcohol.

"What?" she answered it with disinterest, anxious to leave at the first given opportunity.

"Hello?" The person on the other end said, earning a grunt from the woman, "Light?"

A heavy exhale, and she began to tap her foot impatiently. "Yeah? What is it, Snow?" She glanced up just in time to dodge a cardboard box, which sailed over her head and crashed to the floor behind her.

"Er, we have a little bit of a problem here..."

Lightning scoffed. "What else is new?" Really? Since when had they not had problems?

She had to repeat it, however, because a decidedly unpleasurable moaning was starting to develop in the background, and no, she most certainly didn't stutter because of it – absolutely not.

"What?" the blonde on the other end asked, confused, _"What's with those two?_"

She sighed. "No, you idiot.. What _else_ is new?" Lightning asked, growing more and more annoyed as time went on. Slipping into a nearby restroom to avoid the noise, she crossed her legs, leaning against the wall and plugging her other ear.

Snow gasped. "What are you talking about?"

Silence.

"Light, what's going on?"

A groan. "What do you think - Fang, Vanille, and me walking through a shopping mall unsupervised, huh?" She growled, "What could possibly happen?" Her tone was becoming dangerously strained. "Isn't that obvious enough?"

The brute coughed. "Er... shopping for clothes and accessories?" He answered nervously.

"Yes," Lightning proclaimed, "shopping for clothes and- no, you idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?" She fumed, raving. No longer leaning against the wall, she now paced the floor between the stalls, screeching. "Those two morons are drunk of their asses and sprawled out over the floor in a hot, wet mass of-"

A shuffle and some mumbling as the phone passed to another person, female, undoubtedly Sun. There was a pause and some more hiss-speak before she answered. "Hey Light," the woman on the other end, Sun replied, "S'me, Sun. You guys should come back to the safe-house.. thing, er, yeah."

"Uh, it's not exactly the best time right now, "Lightning sighed, shaking her head. "Why?"

A long pause and the sigh was returned, slightly apprehensively. "Um.. The time machine is broken?"

Lightning's communicator clattered to the floor.

* * *

"So, this is supposed to work, right?" Sazh asked, staring at the giant circular machine standing in front of the group, back from the supply run with food and components. After thirty minutes, it had been assembled, for the most part, at least. Even Snow cocked an eyebrow at it, despite the heavily evident knots that were freshly growing on his and Sazh's heads. In reality, it was pretty impressive, given how large and complex the construction was.

"Of course it is!" the Pulsian hammering away at its base spouted, seemingly lacking sanity, "Why would I build this thing if it didn't work?" She asked, as if frying them wasn't the only alternative if it didn't work in the first place.

"Because you've always fantasized about having an overgrown toaster in your closet?" Sazh inquired half-seriously. The response was a muffled 'maybe,' and that was satisfying enough in its own right. He looked back to Lightning, who was busy entertaining herself by boring holes into the back of his skull and brooding about her skirt. He called over his shoulder, "You gonna call Fang and the others?"

She grunted, a noncommittal yes, and reached down to snag her communicator from her belt, only to discover it wasn't there.

"Looking for something?" a familiar voice chimed.

"Fang?" Lightning furrowed her brow, neither expecting, nor desiring to come in contact with the woman just yet.

A chuckle, "Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner, sunshine," she huffed, "Wondering how I got here?"

"Yes, actually," Lightning admitted, turning around to find Fang standing directly behind her, grinning like the cat that got the canary. "What's so funny?" she asked, staring hard.

Fang's smirk only grew wider. "Oh, you'll see in a second," she said, laughing as she spun and strutted off to inspect the construction work of their late acquaintance.

"You're exasperating." Lightning rolled her eyes, veins pounding in her forehead as she just barely managed to catch the communicator tossed lazily over Fang's shoulder at her, when something suddenly brushed the back of her thigh. She 'eep'ed and jumped forward, turning to face whoever, or whatever it was. "Vanille?" came her voice, surprised, heartbeat pounding in her ears. The little redhead sat crouched on the ground where she'd stood, grinning that cheeky nervous grin of hers.

"Um, hi?"

* * *

"Dinner's ready!" The call rolled out through the halls loudly, stirring the five l'Cie grouped together from their sleeps.

"Dinner?" Hope questioned, "Now?" He let out a groggy yawn, not surprised when a still half-sleeping Sazh smacked him over the head, as if her were an alarm clock. The smell of food was definitely in the air, and had been for hours, he remembered, and sat up from the pile of boxes he and the others had been using as pillows with a sigh and opened his eyes in the dark to see Fang wiping crust from her own as she walked through a doorway, followed by a much less coherent looking Vanille and an absolutely furious Lightning.

He groaned tiredly. Oh, how his mouth reeked of stench and tasted of rot. Sure, it was more bearable than Sazh's mid-morning, rain soaked chocofro, Etro forbid he have to smell that for another week, but oh, the horror of it all was too much to bear. Sure, he'd been used to a tad of taste in his mouth all day since the incident with the heaven forsaken flying phallus's idea of getting the groceries winding up with them going on an emergency skydiving excursion, where he lost his favorite deodorant and ended up wearing Vanille's perfume to cover up the awful stench that insisted on following him around (the same perfume he later found out to be behemoth urine from Fang's hunting extravaganzas), taking a trip on an all expenses paid airline known only as the S.S. Bahamut, which finished out with him sporting a sprained spine (that Sazh later commented that he couldn't possibly have in the first place, the jerk), and finally, ending in an entirely unwanted romp with a behemoth that could have easily been avoided if not for the first two happenings.

That wasn't the problem, however. He could almost deal with these things on their own; they didn't affect him on a day to day basis, but oh no, _Odin_, that sneaky bastard, had decided that ingesting his lovely toiletries, namely the wisp toothbrushes that he'd been saving for just such an occasion, was a _fabulous_ idea, and he hated that bastard to no end for it. Oh how Hope could have choked him right out of that silly little crystal of his, emphasis on could have, since Snow decided that it would have been fun to compare summoning crystals the day after.

Now, the only thing he had to keep him entertained was the damnable GPS that he now held in his hands – what fun. He turned the silver thing over in his hands, eying the strange "GameThing SP" logo that was plastered onto the screen, along with the telltale buttons below. Somehow, it looked different than usual, specifically, more child's toy-ish. And that was about the moment when he settled back into half-sleep.

So, when he eventually rolled around to snagging a plate of food and managing to balance in his three legged chair several hours later, he was surprised to find the table relatively quiet, let alone that anyone was daring to eat anything. _Strange, _he thought, knowing that it was Snow's turn to show his culinary expertise, _Usually, no one even bothers trying his cooking. Maybe something's up._ He hummed, pondering the lump of what appeared to be spaghetti, or more like ramen with meat sauce on top and a few hunks of mystery meat on the side. He poked at the mixture with his fork gingerly, blinking when it jiggled under his touch.

_Okay then, just going to leave that alone for now,_ he blanched, turning to the steak-like slices he'd picked out and spearing one. The room was dead silent. _Hopefully this won't kill me, _he thought.

"Don't eat the Prego!" Vanille yelped.

Hope slowly looked up from his plate, fork half-poised to enter his mouth. The entire room had gone silent. "What?" He asked, looking back and forth between the two, "Why?"

The little tangelo fretted for a moment, then lowered her voice. "You know what's in there?" she inquired, as if it were the deepest, darkest, most terrifying secret in the universe.

Hope shook his head as the others looked on, nervous. "What is it?" He whimpered. Vanille looked him in the eye critically and held the gaze for a moment.

"Spit it out!" Sazh shouted from across the table, earning a glare from Lightning and a shush from the other Pulsian. This, of course, incited an anxious cheep from the chocobo in his 'fro.

"Hmm?" Snow's eyes rolled from the stringy mess, twirled around his fork to the little girl, as he was now beginning to suspect something horrible.

"What is it, Vanille?" Fang chimed in, right on time, just before a grunt of anticipation managed to escape from Lightning, the head of the table, her own fork clattering to the plate.

Now, this was no ordinary moment. At this point in time, the frail little girl wore the gravest of faces as she leant over the rickety table, head looming over her platter as she again simmered down, whispering in finality, _"Afterbirth."_

And with that, the entire table suddenly became available for purchase, not a single one left there-sitting, of course, with the exception of Vanille and Sun, both of which who laughed between bites.

"More for me!" Vanille chirped, devouring an entire plate and a half in a few fork-fulls.

"Indeed."

* * *

"_You._" Lightning's cheeks twinged as the sinister growl that was originally meant for Snow found a new target of its own accord. The others stepped back subconsciously, giving her room. "You're telling me that _you_ are the one responsible for all of this?" She sucked breath through her teeth angrily, "That you're the reason for that little elf's absconding with my skirt and giving it to _this," _her accusing finger motioned from Vanille to Sazh as she seethed, "This bastard?" Rage boiled behind her eyes as they watered. She was livid.

Fang stared back at her through a confident facade, scrutinizing the blunted nails of one hand idly while the other pinched at her hip with subtle abandon. She glanced down for a moment, nibbling at the fleshy tip of one of the digits as she thought up a suitable answer to the question. She grimaced lightly, looking back to the strawberry-blonde for a brief second before answering. "Erm... Well, not really," she lied, nipping at her lip; Snow and Sazh gaped behind her as she went on slyly. "You see," she said, watching the woman grow more agitated, "What happened was-" A terrible screech.

Lightning leaped forward before Fang could finish, springing on her and wrestling her to the ground before the Pulsian could escape her grasp. When the dust settled, the shock was profound. Fang didn't bother with squirming under the fiery lady's touch, pinned comfortably beneath her, arms equal height with her ears. She stared back into Lightning's ice cold glare with a smug smile.

"Gee, _Claire_," she said, smirking. The clenching hands on her wrists tightened instantaneously. The grin on her face widened even more than it had before as she continued in a risque tone, "I didn't know you liked it rough." She laughed as Lightning's expression darkened, twisting into an even deeper scowl than before.

Lightning rebutted with a dangerously low rumble and kept a firm grip on the slippery woman below her. "_Don't _call me Claire."

Fang guffawed into the near bone crushing display of force that Lightning was putting on, practically spitting. "Why? Afraid you'll have to go back to being as queer as you were way back when?" She jeered, bursting into a chorus of laughter. Now it was Lightning's turn to gape as the others in the room gasped, and as soon as the profound disbelief left her, she reared back, silencing Fang's laughing with a loud crack – a heavy backhand to the face, as expected. Fangs hands, now free, surveyed her cheek as she winced at the pain emanating from it. She quirked an eyebrow at the woman straddling her.

Lightning seemed to simmer down a bit, looking down at her, no longer angry, but stern. Her fists dropped to her sides and she sighed guiltily. "You went too far," she said, and slid off of her. She stood up in front of the others, who were still a bit flabbergasted and scanned their faces. However, it seemed, her reign of pain was not over. She pointed to Sazh.

"I'd like my skirt back, if you please," Lightning threatened. She glowered at him, anger renewed.

Snow, relieved that she wasn't addressing him, sighed. "Geez, Light, on the warpath again already?" The death glare he received in response was enough to shut him up before anything else went wrong.

"My skirt," She repeated soberly. "I want it."

"What?" Sazh jumped, eyes wide and frantic. "I don't have that damn thing!" he yelped, yanking the insides of his pockets out into the open air, as if that would prove anything to the soldier.

Snow blanched beside him. "What?" He scrambled back. "Then who does?" The buffoon gaped, looking at Sazh like he was crazy. In all reality, he may as well have been. He glanced to Lightning, who was not amused in the least, tapping her foot in slow, deliberate succession.

Sazh's answer was not in words. He merely pointed behind Lightning, where the rest of the group was wisely standing, clear of her line of fire. The woman's scowl deepened as she looked back to see Vanille crouching behind her.. again.

"Her?" she questioned, now more surprised than enraged, but both emotions were still there. _The __midget? Sazh gave those to her? _

Sazh nodded, still fearfully trying to sneak out of view.

Strangely, however, Lightning did not explode as everyone had expected. Instead, she merely grumbled and called him a coward, walking off, leaving the others to speculate in the aftermath.

* * *

Ehe, not much time on my hands here. I gotta fly.

Cheers!


End file.
